Current mood: satisfied
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
So this was the best Christmas I think I have ever had with my boys!
Since 7 years ago...we were on our own having become a single mom just a month before Christmas....that was rough. Then we were all sick in 2001, but we had new friends from church that "brought Christmas to us". In 2002, we had just survived a serious car accident 2 months earlier and I was still wearing a cast on my right wrist/arm, and still out of work on short-term disability. The year 2003, I was sick with pneumonia having just moved apartments in October after finalizing the divorce. Even though I was employed at Christmas, I had been unemployed for 4 1/2 months during the year, so things were really tight financially with all the court costs. In 2004, I was dating someone that added alot to our Christmas, even though it was all long-distance. For once, the boys had extra gifts to be "Santa Presents". After being very ill and in the hospital for 15 days and off of work for 7 weeks, Christmas was not that much fun, even though I was grateful to be alive. Last year was one of the worst years for Christmas, since I lost my job just 10 days prior.
This year, 2007, I am actually HAPPY! I have a great job with a great company. I was able to actually go and buy something for each of my boys! I was actually able to cook a REAL CHRISTMAS Dinner! We had turkey, homemade mashed potatoes, dressing, green bean casserole, rolls, and pecan pie. During the weekend leading up to Christmas Day, the boys and I got to do so many things that I have always wanted to do with them. We went to a movie at the "real" theater (as the boys call it...since its not the dollar movie with ONE show)! We saw "Alvin and the Chipmunks" and had a blast!!! We also got to put together a gingerbread house...something I have always wanted to do ever since I was a girl. On Christmas Eve, we made our traditional cut-out Christmas Cookies and decorated all 70 of them!
In past years, Christmas has always been hard for me emotionally, since we have no family nearby. Its been extremely difficult when the boys are gone. But I realized that even though I am a single mom...the boys and I are "OUR FAMILY"! It is up to me to make our Christmas traditions. So we did! And even though, the boys are now gone for 5 days...I feel the ultimate fulfillment!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Joy Speaks
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life
Yesterday I attended a seminar that was sponsored by my company for all the Administrative Professionals. We get together once a quarter to network. Its a great opportunity catch up with other admin friends and even "officially" meet admins that we work with via email!
Our speaker yesterday was...let's just say "indescribable". Some very good ideas and reminders and some in-your-face moments. Overall, Dr. Kim was right to the point as she was here to encourage and inspire us. (you can visit her website at www.drkimspeaks.com)
For me, so much of what she had to say was repetitive of things I learned in personal therapy. Having lots of thoughts about LIFE and FAMILY already turmoiling in my head, this speaker brought to the surface so many things I wish I could share openly. I have decided to write a chapter from my heart. Maybe I will get to share this with my siblings, then again, maybe not. Only God knows if their hearts are prepared for dealing with harsh reality, and accepting of healing of relationships.
Here are a few things that she said that stayed with me, I will share with you:
1. We teach people how to treat us by what we will accept from them.
2. If there is something wrong and you don't speak up, then you lose your right to complain.
I am sure I will have more to "speak out" about later on.
Category: Life
Yesterday I attended a seminar that was sponsored by my company for all the Administrative Professionals. We get together once a quarter to network. Its a great opportunity catch up with other admin friends and even "officially" meet admins that we work with via email!
Our speaker yesterday was...let's just say "indescribable". Some very good ideas and reminders and some in-your-face moments. Overall, Dr. Kim was right to the point as she was here to encourage and inspire us. (you can visit her website at www.drkimspeaks.com)
For me, so much of what she had to say was repetitive of things I learned in personal therapy. Having lots of thoughts about LIFE and FAMILY already turmoiling in my head, this speaker brought to the surface so many things I wish I could share openly. I have decided to write a chapter from my heart. Maybe I will get to share this with my siblings, then again, maybe not. Only God knows if their hearts are prepared for dealing with harsh reality, and accepting of healing of relationships.
Here are a few things that she said that stayed with me, I will share with you:
1. We teach people how to treat us by what we will accept from them.
2. If there is something wrong and you don't speak up, then you lose your right to complain.
I am sure I will have more to "speak out" about later on.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
A Flash of HOPE
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life
I really wish there was a category listed as "Family", but then so many of us would be blogging in that category alone!
As I was finishing up my blog last evening, I was disappointed with myself that I couldn't end on a "positive note" that I always try to do. Therefore, it was just that...a blog. A blog of emotions. A blog of questions. A blog of tears. A blog of confusion.
However, while I was in tears talking with God, I really was wondering how I would recognize HOPE when it has been so long in my STRUGGLES. I don't even know how to get to the SURRENDER stage...even though I think I have "surrendered" everything I feel/know to this point. I understand I can't control anything in life. I understand that I can't control the outcome of situations. I only know, like I said last night, is to keep hanging onto God...and I do it one day at a time.
Ironically, a flash of HOPE showed up as an Instant Message from my brother. Only those closest to me will understand the enormity of this IM. I have continually prayed for healing within my family. Something that has escaped us from since before I went off to college. The unhealthy ways of "NONcommunication" and "NONunconditional love" have always overtaken my extended family....all the way from my parents back to my grandparents and everyone in between. I could share many examples, but it dawned on me more clearly that I DON'T want to continue this pattern with my own children, when I had a cousin pull the "I'm not ever talking to you again" card, just because I asked to be taken off her "daily email with pics of her kid" distribution list. OH, HOW like my mother's side of the family that was to me! God forbid I bring that into my childrens' life. Mind you, this unhealthy pattern of NONcommunication lives among my father's side as well as my ex-husband's side of family.
But in this flash of HOPE, a simple IM that said HELLO, was key to renewing communication with my only brother. The one that has hurt me the most in my family. Mind you, I have been "disowned" verbally and actionwise from my father/mother on about 7 different occasions. So this time was nothing new. Having my sister that is closest to me in age just ignore my calls was nothing new. She behaved this way when we were roommates after I graduated college and even into her married years. Strange enough to indicate to me there were problems on the inside, that she was trying to keep hidden. However, to have my brother be blatently vocal to me was very hurtful.
I worked diligently within myself to "love unconditionally". But it wasn't without its own set of questions. How can you count on anyone in life, IF your OWN blood relatives can "turn on/turn off" their "love/connection/communication" with you? I was able to realize they "really don't know how". Still didn't make me feel any better, but I tried to "hold on to God, keep plugging along through the struggle, and hoping for HOPE"!
Believe it or not, this point has allowed me to move through some more emotional recognition and hopefully onto the road of emotional healing with the situation at church.
How are things going to turn out...I don't have a clue. Will there be more miscommunication and misunderstandings...of course! We are only human and we tend to jump to conclusions and "assumptions" which you know only makes an ASS + U + ME!! But I am able to end the weekend on a positive note!
Category: Life
I really wish there was a category listed as "Family", but then so many of us would be blogging in that category alone!
As I was finishing up my blog last evening, I was disappointed with myself that I couldn't end on a "positive note" that I always try to do. Therefore, it was just that...a blog. A blog of emotions. A blog of questions. A blog of tears. A blog of confusion.
However, while I was in tears talking with God, I really was wondering how I would recognize HOPE when it has been so long in my STRUGGLES. I don't even know how to get to the SURRENDER stage...even though I think I have "surrendered" everything I feel/know to this point. I understand I can't control anything in life. I understand that I can't control the outcome of situations. I only know, like I said last night, is to keep hanging onto God...and I do it one day at a time.
Ironically, a flash of HOPE showed up as an Instant Message from my brother. Only those closest to me will understand the enormity of this IM. I have continually prayed for healing within my family. Something that has escaped us from since before I went off to college. The unhealthy ways of "NONcommunication" and "NONunconditional love" have always overtaken my extended family....all the way from my parents back to my grandparents and everyone in between. I could share many examples, but it dawned on me more clearly that I DON'T want to continue this pattern with my own children, when I had a cousin pull the "I'm not ever talking to you again" card, just because I asked to be taken off her "daily email with pics of her kid" distribution list. OH, HOW like my mother's side of the family that was to me! God forbid I bring that into my childrens' life. Mind you, this unhealthy pattern of NONcommunication lives among my father's side as well as my ex-husband's side of family.
But in this flash of HOPE, a simple IM that said HELLO, was key to renewing communication with my only brother. The one that has hurt me the most in my family. Mind you, I have been "disowned" verbally and actionwise from my father/mother on about 7 different occasions. So this time was nothing new. Having my sister that is closest to me in age just ignore my calls was nothing new. She behaved this way when we were roommates after I graduated college and even into her married years. Strange enough to indicate to me there were problems on the inside, that she was trying to keep hidden. However, to have my brother be blatently vocal to me was very hurtful.
I worked diligently within myself to "love unconditionally". But it wasn't without its own set of questions. How can you count on anyone in life, IF your OWN blood relatives can "turn on/turn off" their "love/connection/communication" with you? I was able to realize they "really don't know how". Still didn't make me feel any better, but I tried to "hold on to God, keep plugging along through the struggle, and hoping for HOPE"!
Believe it or not, this point has allowed me to move through some more emotional recognition and hopefully onto the road of emotional healing with the situation at church.
How are things going to turn out...I don't have a clue. Will there be more miscommunication and misunderstandings...of course! We are only human and we tend to jump to conclusions and "assumptions" which you know only makes an ASS + U + ME!! But I am able to end the weekend on a positive note!
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Weekend Depression
Hi, My name is Jadee and I suffer from "weekend depression". I didn't realize what this was until I was doing one of those daily quizzes from MySpace. One question asked, "Who was the last person to call you?" and another question asked, "Who was the last person to text message you?". Crazy for me that both answers to those questions actually took place on Wednesday night! No wonder I fall into a depression by the weekend...
To add insult to injury, I got my regular "I really wish you would go to church this weekend" call from my small group leader. Granted, the church has started a new way of conducting the small groups and the discussion questions are based on the week's sermon topic. So, yeah, I am out of the loop when I don't attend.
So we did go to tonight's service. I can't tell you how excited the boys were and my oldest even got dressed up in his suit! I REALLY must make a committment to attend for their sake!
However, it was very hard emotionally for me. It is like salt in a wound. I am still trying to figure out why I still feel such hurt. As I sat there listening and looking out remembering when I used to be so involved at this church. How happy I was back then, despite the tough road it had been before then. How I loved being involved with the prayer team, worship team, and leading the kids music! Only to have it pulled out from underneath me...er, rather the ignorant bliss was gone and reality took its place. It's a sad thing when that innocent trust is destroyed.
Which leads me to some hard questions of my own, that actually coincide with the message today about when life brings the "rogue waves". And what do we do when we Struggle, Surrender, and Hope through these rough times. The pastor said tonight that its in those times that we hold onto God and hold onto those that give us that support. Okay, sounds good in theory. He also said that struggles are a part of life and we must keep trusting in God. I would agree. He said that when you continue to work through the struggle stage and into the surrender stage, then you will find hope.
Let me ask: How do you get that happy innocence back once the trust has been broken? How do you find those to help give you support during your struggles? How do you keep working through the struggles when you run out of energy?
I ask these questions not from my own life's perspective, but rather from a general life's perspective. I know all of us struggle with life's "rogue waves". I know this happened for Job and Jeremiah in the Bible as well. I know that NONE of us are without hardships.
But the summary and take away from this week's sermon is simple...and something I already knew:
LIFE is a 4-letter word.
Take ONE day at a time.
ONLY GOD can be counted on...(people will ALWAYS let you down.)
[I am hoping by getting this off my chest now, that I won't fall apart tomorrow evening at small group when we discuss this topic.]
To add insult to injury, I got my regular "I really wish you would go to church this weekend" call from my small group leader. Granted, the church has started a new way of conducting the small groups and the discussion questions are based on the week's sermon topic. So, yeah, I am out of the loop when I don't attend.
So we did go to tonight's service. I can't tell you how excited the boys were and my oldest even got dressed up in his suit! I REALLY must make a committment to attend for their sake!
However, it was very hard emotionally for me. It is like salt in a wound. I am still trying to figure out why I still feel such hurt. As I sat there listening and looking out remembering when I used to be so involved at this church. How happy I was back then, despite the tough road it had been before then. How I loved being involved with the prayer team, worship team, and leading the kids music! Only to have it pulled out from underneath me...er, rather the ignorant bliss was gone and reality took its place. It's a sad thing when that innocent trust is destroyed.
Which leads me to some hard questions of my own, that actually coincide with the message today about when life brings the "rogue waves". And what do we do when we Struggle, Surrender, and Hope through these rough times. The pastor said tonight that its in those times that we hold onto God and hold onto those that give us that support. Okay, sounds good in theory. He also said that struggles are a part of life and we must keep trusting in God. I would agree. He said that when you continue to work through the struggle stage and into the surrender stage, then you will find hope.
Let me ask: How do you get that happy innocence back once the trust has been broken? How do you find those to help give you support during your struggles? How do you keep working through the struggles when you run out of energy?
I ask these questions not from my own life's perspective, but rather from a general life's perspective. I know all of us struggle with life's "rogue waves". I know this happened for Job and Jeremiah in the Bible as well. I know that NONE of us are without hardships.
But the summary and take away from this week's sermon is simple...and something I already knew:
LIFE is a 4-letter word.
Take ONE day at a time.
ONLY GOD can be counted on...(people will ALWAYS let you down.)
[I am hoping by getting this off my chest now, that I won't fall apart tomorrow evening at small group when we discuss this topic.]
Monday, October 15, 2007
Homecoming
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Friends
Since Gabby already used the blog title of "Friends"...I needed to find a more creative title...but at this hour it escapes me!
It was great to see such dear friends from college that I haven't seen in so long! We spent a wonderful evening laughing and reminiscing! Funny, how we had such impressions of each other that couldn't be further than reality. Why is it that if one wore glasses, they were perceived as "smart"?! (I admit to being the "coulotte queen" LMAO!)
However, it was an emotional weekend for me since my family used to live in Springfield and that is another story for another day. I have found that each trip back to my past and memories in Springfield, that God is doing some healing in my heart. It is difficult to explain, but my closest friends will understand.
Overall, it was a fabulous weekend! I was able to have dinner with a very close friend and pleased to meet her new boyfriend. It was refreshing to have the conversation and fellowship that I have been missing all summer. I had some heart-to-heart time with another close soul. And despite some unfortunate miscommunication with a dear friend, I enjoyed seeing everyone. It was a great reminder that I have some wonderful people in my life, no matter if they live long distance and/or I don't see them for a length of time.
So here is to my FRIENDS...far and near! You will always be loved and dear to my heart!
~Little Friend (my nickname in school...thanks to my AECS friends!)
Category: Friends
Since Gabby already used the blog title of "Friends"...I needed to find a more creative title...but at this hour it escapes me!
It was great to see such dear friends from college that I haven't seen in so long! We spent a wonderful evening laughing and reminiscing! Funny, how we had such impressions of each other that couldn't be further than reality. Why is it that if one wore glasses, they were perceived as "smart"?! (I admit to being the "coulotte queen" LMAO!)
However, it was an emotional weekend for me since my family used to live in Springfield and that is another story for another day. I have found that each trip back to my past and memories in Springfield, that God is doing some healing in my heart. It is difficult to explain, but my closest friends will understand.
Overall, it was a fabulous weekend! I was able to have dinner with a very close friend and pleased to meet her new boyfriend. It was refreshing to have the conversation and fellowship that I have been missing all summer. I had some heart-to-heart time with another close soul. And despite some unfortunate miscommunication with a dear friend, I enjoyed seeing everyone. It was a great reminder that I have some wonderful people in my life, no matter if they live long distance and/or I don't see them for a length of time.
So here is to my FRIENDS...far and near! You will always be loved and dear to my heart!
~Little Friend (my nickname in school...thanks to my AECS friends!)
Sunday, October 07, 2007
The view from my life...
Current mood: cynical
Category: Life
Forewarning! I am venting because if I don't, I may stand outside my porch and SCREAM to the world! I will try my best to temper my language, but it is my blog and I am typing exactly what comes to mind!
It's Sunday. No we didn't go to church. I am "budgeting" my gas, so that I can get to work, so that I can work my job, so that I can earn my paycheck, so that I can pay my bills, so that I can continue to take care of my boys. So, No, we didn't go to church. I even called my small group to cancel our attendance today, because they are sharing "hosting responsibilities" among the families with "houses". And today, it happens to be a lot farther away than it usually is located.
Tell me how I am supposed to feel when I call to cancel and get this "sighing, disappointed" response of, "I just worry about you...you need community. I know you aren't going to church anywhere, so how are you getting fed spiritually? And most importantly you need to be around community." Ironically, my boys really wanted to go, so they brought me the $1 bills out of their wallet for me borrow for gas to go to Small group. Now that is adorably sweet! But it is NOT their responsibility. I should be able to handle these things. The worst part is when I called back to say, yes, we would be there this afternoon, I was told, "they were glad...that I was doing the right thing!" Says who?????!!!!
Let me just say now, NO ONE knows what is "right" for me! They don't know what its like to be in my shoes. When I stated that "I have come to acceptance that this is my life and I have to live it", I was told that it can be worse to think like that. WHAT??? What the heck does that mean?
First of all, our society is a "couples"-world. How am I supposed to have "community" in it?! I have tried to live my life right, take the high road, make sacrifices for my children, push myself to keep on going despite the havoc it takes on my health. And I see friends and acquaintances throw that away or place it in jeopardy as if they don't give a care! I hate it! I absolutely abhor the thought of watching people destroy their relationships and families! They have NO IDEA what it is like to be in the same place I am in life.
Second of all, our churches are a "family"-world. How am I supposed to have "community" in it? I have tried to make a place in church for myself and my kids for the last 5 years only to learn the harsh reality that it isn't real. After allowing everyone in my life to lie to me...family, husband, ex-family, church people...I REFUSE to lie to myself to say that "I need community". WHATEVER!!!
Am I supposed to WANT to attend small group, when its a clear slap in the face that I am "not a family with a 'house' to host the small group". That just makes me feel so "loved" and "wanted"! But I am supposed to do the "right" thing and spend my limited gas so that I can attend small group just so I can say I was in "community"? WTF???!!!
Thirdly, it is hard to be single in a world like this. But I do it anyway! It DOES get lonely. But I keep on going. I read the books. I do the right thing. I work on focusing on taking care of my family--my boys! I give my love to them. I try to love myself since I don't have someone to also give love to me. I am sick of hearing people say that this is best for me, that I am not in the place in my life to be having a relationship. Who are they to tell me that?!
I am sick of seeing girls (that once were my friends to hang out with) choose to chase guys and shack up with them...just so they aren't alone! I am NOT going to stoop that low in my life! So I keep going on...alone...just me and my boys. But I am supposed to just want to hang out with people for "community" because they think I should? Not in this lifetime!!!
Fourthly, what about family? Sure, I hear it all the time, "We love you and your boys...we want to be your family." Another crock of shit! When do I get a phone call during the week to say "we are thinking of you". My blood-relatives have made it pretty clear that they don't consider me family.
Plans only seem to happen IF I call and make them. Of course, that brings us back to: 1) the girlfriends I had...don't have time for girlfriends anymore because they are too busy with their "boyfriends" that only make them cry and depressed, 2) the families from church that only have time for their "real family" on weekends. Unfortunately, my boys are getting the raw deal here too...because unless I am the one that calls one of their friends and ask their moms if they can come over to spend time playing with my boys, then it never happens. Frankly, I am just too tired after working all week, taking care of the boys, helping with their homework, and cleaning house, to "watch another two boys at my house, so that my boys have friends over".
So to sum it all up. My only REAL friends are long distance. She is the one that loves me like FAMILY...loves my boys...listens to me...prays with me...cries with me...encourages me...
And I try to do the same for her...but then I feel like I don't have anything to offer her...
Still...without friends locally to get out and do things with...there really is no point in trying to make plans for the weekend, huh? So, why should I worry about "community"?
Yeah, my thoughts exactly!
Category: Life
Forewarning! I am venting because if I don't, I may stand outside my porch and SCREAM to the world! I will try my best to temper my language, but it is my blog and I am typing exactly what comes to mind!
It's Sunday. No we didn't go to church. I am "budgeting" my gas, so that I can get to work, so that I can work my job, so that I can earn my paycheck, so that I can pay my bills, so that I can continue to take care of my boys. So, No, we didn't go to church. I even called my small group to cancel our attendance today, because they are sharing "hosting responsibilities" among the families with "houses". And today, it happens to be a lot farther away than it usually is located.
Tell me how I am supposed to feel when I call to cancel and get this "sighing, disappointed" response of, "I just worry about you...you need community. I know you aren't going to church anywhere, so how are you getting fed spiritually? And most importantly you need to be around community." Ironically, my boys really wanted to go, so they brought me the $1 bills out of their wallet for me borrow for gas to go to Small group. Now that is adorably sweet! But it is NOT their responsibility. I should be able to handle these things. The worst part is when I called back to say, yes, we would be there this afternoon, I was told, "they were glad...that I was doing the right thing!" Says who?????!!!!
Let me just say now, NO ONE knows what is "right" for me! They don't know what its like to be in my shoes. When I stated that "I have come to acceptance that this is my life and I have to live it", I was told that it can be worse to think like that. WHAT??? What the heck does that mean?
First of all, our society is a "couples"-world. How am I supposed to have "community" in it?! I have tried to live my life right, take the high road, make sacrifices for my children, push myself to keep on going despite the havoc it takes on my health. And I see friends and acquaintances throw that away or place it in jeopardy as if they don't give a care! I hate it! I absolutely abhor the thought of watching people destroy their relationships and families! They have NO IDEA what it is like to be in the same place I am in life.
Second of all, our churches are a "family"-world. How am I supposed to have "community" in it? I have tried to make a place in church for myself and my kids for the last 5 years only to learn the harsh reality that it isn't real. After allowing everyone in my life to lie to me...family, husband, ex-family, church people...I REFUSE to lie to myself to say that "I need community". WHATEVER!!!
Am I supposed to WANT to attend small group, when its a clear slap in the face that I am "not a family with a 'house' to host the small group". That just makes me feel so "loved" and "wanted"! But I am supposed to do the "right" thing and spend my limited gas so that I can attend small group just so I can say I was in "community"? WTF???!!!
Thirdly, it is hard to be single in a world like this. But I do it anyway! It DOES get lonely. But I keep on going. I read the books. I do the right thing. I work on focusing on taking care of my family--my boys! I give my love to them. I try to love myself since I don't have someone to also give love to me. I am sick of hearing people say that this is best for me, that I am not in the place in my life to be having a relationship. Who are they to tell me that?!
I am sick of seeing girls (that once were my friends to hang out with) choose to chase guys and shack up with them...just so they aren't alone! I am NOT going to stoop that low in my life! So I keep going on...alone...just me and my boys. But I am supposed to just want to hang out with people for "community" because they think I should? Not in this lifetime!!!
Fourthly, what about family? Sure, I hear it all the time, "We love you and your boys...we want to be your family." Another crock of shit! When do I get a phone call during the week to say "we are thinking of you". My blood-relatives have made it pretty clear that they don't consider me family.
Plans only seem to happen IF I call and make them. Of course, that brings us back to: 1) the girlfriends I had...don't have time for girlfriends anymore because they are too busy with their "boyfriends" that only make them cry and depressed, 2) the families from church that only have time for their "real family" on weekends. Unfortunately, my boys are getting the raw deal here too...because unless I am the one that calls one of their friends and ask their moms if they can come over to spend time playing with my boys, then it never happens. Frankly, I am just too tired after working all week, taking care of the boys, helping with their homework, and cleaning house, to "watch another two boys at my house, so that my boys have friends over".
So to sum it all up. My only REAL friends are long distance. She is the one that loves me like FAMILY...loves my boys...listens to me...prays with me...cries with me...encourages me...
And I try to do the same for her...but then I feel like I don't have anything to offer her...
Still...without friends locally to get out and do things with...there really is no point in trying to make plans for the weekend, huh? So, why should I worry about "community"?
Yeah, my thoughts exactly!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
There's a Bump on a Log...
Current mood: giddy
Category: Life
Don't ask me how it happens, but for some reason as soon as my boys had eaten dinner last night, they were transformed into silly-singing-kids....(much better than the whiny ones they were in the car earlier)!
So they start singing the classic "There's a bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea". I'm still not sure what brought on the giggles but they were cracking each other up! Of course, Mom had splurged on Mountain Dew for dinner and caught the laughing bug too!
While I was trying to "re-learn" the words, I kept getting mixed up and so I threw a new one at them (which I was actually better at singing than the correct version)...I told them to try singing it in backwards order.
"In the bottom of the sea, there's a hole with a log, with a bump on it"
OH MY! You would have thought they were 8 months old again and just learning to laugh. The giggles were infectious.
It was so great to have a moment like that again with my boys!
************************************************************************
Check out this link: http://www.lyricsdownload.com/various-artists-there-s-a-hole-in-the-bottom-of-the-sea-lyrics.html
Category: Life
Don't ask me how it happens, but for some reason as soon as my boys had eaten dinner last night, they were transformed into silly-singing-kids....(much better than the whiny ones they were in the car earlier)!
So they start singing the classic "There's a bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea". I'm still not sure what brought on the giggles but they were cracking each other up! Of course, Mom had splurged on Mountain Dew for dinner and caught the laughing bug too!
While I was trying to "re-learn" the words, I kept getting mixed up and so I threw a new one at them (which I was actually better at singing than the correct version)...I told them to try singing it in backwards order.
"In the bottom of the sea, there's a hole with a log, with a bump on it"
OH MY! You would have thought they were 8 months old again and just learning to laugh. The giggles were infectious.
It was so great to have a moment like that again with my boys!
************************************************************************
Check out this link: http://www.lyricsdownload.com/various-artists-there-s-a-hole-in-the-bottom-of-the-sea-lyrics.html
Friday, August 31, 2007
The Blogging Bug has bitten!!!
I have been accumulating several ideas for blog topics in my head over the last few weeks. So here are a few topics that you may see published in the near future:
- Holiday Heartache *Editors note: article missed submission deadline :(
- Rules of the Road; What is Driver's Ed?
- Wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round = Back to the Routine
- Drama Drama Drama: Dangerous Drivers
- I Can See Clearly Now...with Excel Spreadsheets!
Friday, August 17, 2007
World Premiere
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
So this was the day...the day ALL the school kids were counting down...the world premiere of High School Musical 2!
Yes, we got on the bandwagon with the original High School Musical DVD and my oldest kept telling me there was going to be a second movie. Thankfully, we became Dishnetwork customers JUST IN TIME to be one of the thousands of viewers tonight!
I actually was very impressed with the choreography. It was a good display visual effects, colors, and rhythm. I had mentioned to a coworker today that I was comparing it to the "Footloose" of our day. However, after watching the second one tonight....I think I would compare it to the "Dirty Dancing" storyline.
Either way, I love good music and dancing, and still wish I could have done more in my younger days! (oh and did I mention that I own both Footloose and Dirty Dancing...lol)
Here's to HSM2!!! :)
Currently listening : High School Musical 2
By Original Soundtrack
Release date: 14 August, 2007
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
So this was the day...the day ALL the school kids were counting down...the world premiere of High School Musical 2!
Yes, we got on the bandwagon with the original High School Musical DVD and my oldest kept telling me there was going to be a second movie. Thankfully, we became Dishnetwork customers JUST IN TIME to be one of the thousands of viewers tonight!
I actually was very impressed with the choreography. It was a good display visual effects, colors, and rhythm. I had mentioned to a coworker today that I was comparing it to the "Footloose" of our day. However, after watching the second one tonight....I think I would compare it to the "Dirty Dancing" storyline.
Either way, I love good music and dancing, and still wish I could have done more in my younger days! (oh and did I mention that I own both Footloose and Dirty Dancing...lol)
Here's to HSM2!!! :)
Currently listening : High School Musical 2
By Original Soundtrack
Release date: 14 August, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
SUMMERTIME: Great Friends and Sweet Tea!
For the last several years, it has become a tradition for us to spend the weekend before school starts with T, Dash, N and C-man. So as this summer has wound down (seems like it had barely begun) we took a road trip to Indiana to spend some wonderful, fun, and relaxing time with them.
Despite the heat, we made a wonderful dinner Friday night and I think the kids were filled enough to last until morning. During the rest of the weekend, we kept them filled with the traditional summertime treats of fresh watermelon and cantaloupe, as well as freezer pops and lemonade.
As we were pulling onto the country highway, N noticed an A&W sign, so I just HAD to stop and get a gallon of fountain rootbeer! (we don't have A&W in the St. Louis area) Besides a yummy afternoon rootbeer float, the best was sitting and chatting with my best friend over glasses of iced tea...there is nothing SWEETER! :)
Love you all! Look forward to doing it again next year!
Despite the heat, we made a wonderful dinner Friday night and I think the kids were filled enough to last until morning. During the rest of the weekend, we kept them filled with the traditional summertime treats of fresh watermelon and cantaloupe, as well as freezer pops and lemonade.
As we were pulling onto the country highway, N noticed an A&W sign, so I just HAD to stop and get a gallon of fountain rootbeer! (we don't have A&W in the St. Louis area) Besides a yummy afternoon rootbeer float, the best was sitting and chatting with my best friend over glasses of iced tea...there is nothing SWEETER! :)
Love you all! Look forward to doing it again next year!
Sunday, July 08, 2007
My Turn Now
Current mood: excited
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
Just to update everyone....
This last week, I started my new job that is a permanent position with the company where I was contracting. I am an Admininstrative Assistant to one of the Lead HR directors. I am glad to still be in the HR department and looking forward to pursuing my master's degree in HR and becoming and HR Generalist within the company.
It is finally time to reward my family with clear TV channels! Yes, for the last 7 years, we have lived with snowy, local channels only...except PBS is ALWAYS clear! Soooooo, yesterday, I had satellite TV installed!
The boys are so excited and wanted to "help" the installer...and asked constant questions, which he was very patient to explain. I think they almost had more fun with that part than when they actually watched the Disney channel...lol!
We had a fun time watching some family shows last evening! It was a real treat for all of us!
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
Just to update everyone....
This last week, I started my new job that is a permanent position with the company where I was contracting. I am an Admininstrative Assistant to one of the Lead HR directors. I am glad to still be in the HR department and looking forward to pursuing my master's degree in HR and becoming and HR Generalist within the company.
It is finally time to reward my family with clear TV channels! Yes, for the last 7 years, we have lived with snowy, local channels only...except PBS is ALWAYS clear! Soooooo, yesterday, I had satellite TV installed!
The boys are so excited and wanted to "help" the installer...and asked constant questions, which he was very patient to explain. I think they almost had more fun with that part than when they actually watched the Disney channel...lol!
We had a fun time watching some family shows last evening! It was a real treat for all of us!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Fight the Good Fight!
Current mood: determined
Category: Life
Don't give up!!! Never, ever!!! Don't quit fighting for what is right!!!
It has taken 7 years to get to the point I finally had a break-through last Wednesday night.
For THREE years, he fought me in court to have one little phrase added into our paperwork. "...father shall have sole custody over healthcare issues, including therapy, if therapy is needed." Now that is A LOT of CONTROL for something that I was told "wasn't a real concern". Hmmmm...
So for the last 4 years, I have been unable to get my kids counseling for dealing with the divorce. How do I explain to them about their dad choosing his friends, parties, and drugs OVER seeing them...for only 4 nights/month? I dont. I take care of my responsibilities as a mother and love them and raise them to know what's right and wrong. They KNOW who shows them love.
Eventually, their grades slipped and anger outbursts had the school officials asking us to get them counseling. Still my hands are tied. God, of course, had a way through their dad's work to get some free sessions. During one of these limited sessions, my son told the counselor he wished his dad would come with him to counseling. Amazingly, he said yes he would go along. Now the counselor had already told me that she felt my son needed some longer term sessions and would give us a referral. However, unless their dad agreed...then I am still stuck.
Miracles, of all miracles, last Wednesday night, he actually sat there and verbally agreed with the counselor in seeking longer term counseling for the boys. He even offered to give me his insurance information so I could make the calls and arrange some sessions.
I walked out of the office, smiling upward! It took 7 years, but God's promise to make a way for me to get help for the boys...is here now, today, to encourage those around me!!!
This is also my staying power in fighting the battle of what is right, where my long-distance family is concerned!
Category: Life
Don't give up!!! Never, ever!!! Don't quit fighting for what is right!!!
It has taken 7 years to get to the point I finally had a break-through last Wednesday night.
For THREE years, he fought me in court to have one little phrase added into our paperwork. "...father shall have sole custody over healthcare issues, including therapy, if therapy is needed." Now that is A LOT of CONTROL for something that I was told "wasn't a real concern". Hmmmm...
So for the last 4 years, I have been unable to get my kids counseling for dealing with the divorce. How do I explain to them about their dad choosing his friends, parties, and drugs OVER seeing them...for only 4 nights/month? I dont. I take care of my responsibilities as a mother and love them and raise them to know what's right and wrong. They KNOW who shows them love.
Eventually, their grades slipped and anger outbursts had the school officials asking us to get them counseling. Still my hands are tied. God, of course, had a way through their dad's work to get some free sessions. During one of these limited sessions, my son told the counselor he wished his dad would come with him to counseling. Amazingly, he said yes he would go along. Now the counselor had already told me that she felt my son needed some longer term sessions and would give us a referral. However, unless their dad agreed...then I am still stuck.
Miracles, of all miracles, last Wednesday night, he actually sat there and verbally agreed with the counselor in seeking longer term counseling for the boys. He even offered to give me his insurance information so I could make the calls and arrange some sessions.
I walked out of the office, smiling upward! It took 7 years, but God's promise to make a way for me to get help for the boys...is here now, today, to encourage those around me!!!
This is also my staying power in fighting the battle of what is right, where my long-distance family is concerned!
Monday, April 30, 2007
an excerpt from "The Prodigal Family"
As I was trying to think of a title for my blog today...I kept drawing a blank. I went from "Help, My Family is CRAZY!" to "Take it to the Mattresses"...lol!
Well, I have been doing pretty well today to be able to focus on what my current tasks are: Work, Kids, House. Thankfully, my boys are doing their share of the chores without complaining, thus giving me time to actually cook their favorite meal. Spaghetti. (Don't ask my why they think mine is best, but they refuse to eat spaghetti at any restaurant!)
As I was watching them enjoying their dinner, I thought about if the tables were turned and my child was the one cutting me off from communication. How would I react? What would I do? What would I think? Suddenly, it was a very clear picture that flashed across my mind. (Don' you just love how God does that?!)
All I saw was the immature boy (aka. The Prodigal Son) running away from his troubles. He thought he knew so much more than his father. Sure, he had the time of his life for awhile...thinking that he really showed his father what was what. Not until, he found himself at rock bottom...eating with the swine, that he realized if he even just looked up for a bit..it was far better than the point he was then.
Ah, do I remember the day I hit rock bottom! But I am able to look back on that day and realize JUST how MUCH I have GROWN since that point! I think it takes us getting to that point, before we can fully understand the true meaning of God's unconditional love and grace! He gave us the story of the Prodigal Son, just to show us that no matter how dirty we get into denial, He will have His arms open wide for us! He REJOICES to have us home as a part of the family!
This being said, it is clear for me what my next steps are regarding my family. God has already enabled me to take that first step with my brother. Below is the most recent conversation with him through MySpace:
Date: Apr 28, 2007 11:26 PM
i know you think that i deleted you...but all i did was click the block user from communicating...and i guess it wont keep your profile ...when i unblocked you...it was gone....
i do not understand why you have taken such a poor and disrespectful attitude with me...i love my family very much and i absolutely hate it when people run away from truth...but i know that is what we were shown growing up...and run from one church to another and to cut off family when there is a disagreement...
however, it is not how i am raising my boys...so i have learned to pray/think before speaking, but when i speak...to speak truth...
i am sending you another friends request...i hope you will respond favorably...
Love,
Your Sis,
Joy
Date: Apr 29, 2007 9:15 AM
well, if you call responding favorably being that it is in my best interest and yours, that i "respectfully" deny the request. please do not contact me or any of my friends in the future.
thank you.
Well, I have been doing pretty well today to be able to focus on what my current tasks are: Work, Kids, House. Thankfully, my boys are doing their share of the chores without complaining, thus giving me time to actually cook their favorite meal. Spaghetti. (Don't ask my why they think mine is best, but they refuse to eat spaghetti at any restaurant!)
As I was watching them enjoying their dinner, I thought about if the tables were turned and my child was the one cutting me off from communication. How would I react? What would I do? What would I think? Suddenly, it was a very clear picture that flashed across my mind. (Don' you just love how God does that?!)
All I saw was the immature boy (aka. The Prodigal Son) running away from his troubles. He thought he knew so much more than his father. Sure, he had the time of his life for awhile...thinking that he really showed his father what was what. Not until, he found himself at rock bottom...eating with the swine, that he realized if he even just looked up for a bit..it was far better than the point he was then.
Ah, do I remember the day I hit rock bottom! But I am able to look back on that day and realize JUST how MUCH I have GROWN since that point! I think it takes us getting to that point, before we can fully understand the true meaning of God's unconditional love and grace! He gave us the story of the Prodigal Son, just to show us that no matter how dirty we get into denial, He will have His arms open wide for us! He REJOICES to have us home as a part of the family!
This being said, it is clear for me what my next steps are regarding my family. God has already enabled me to take that first step with my brother. Below is the most recent conversation with him through MySpace:
Date: Apr 28, 2007 11:26 PM
i know you think that i deleted you...but all i did was click the block user from communicating...and i guess it wont keep your profile ...when i unblocked you...it was gone....
i do not understand why you have taken such a poor and disrespectful attitude with me...i love my family very much and i absolutely hate it when people run away from truth...but i know that is what we were shown growing up...and run from one church to another and to cut off family when there is a disagreement...
however, it is not how i am raising my boys...so i have learned to pray/think before speaking, but when i speak...to speak truth...
i am sending you another friends request...i hope you will respond favorably...
Love,
Your Sis,
Joy
Date: Apr 29, 2007 9:15 AM
well, if you call responding favorably being that it is in my best interest and yours, that i "respectfully" deny the request. please do not contact me or any of my friends in the future.
thank you.
Date: Apr 29, 2007 11:00 AM
Well, i cant believe you are making that kind of extreme action as your choice....but i cant make any promises to never contact my family again. I love my family very much and will always be looking out for the best for each of you. However, I will say that I do not deserve to be treated with the verbal abuse and insults that you last spoke to me on the phone. NO ONE deserves that kind of treatment. I do pray that the cycle can be broken before you take it into a marriage....since its very clear that I married into the same kind of chaos that was demonstrated to me from our own parents, and deb also married a controlling man...ALL of this behavior is NOT normal and NOT healthy!
Date: Apr 29, 2007 10:29 PM
lol i dont have anything else to say to you. seek help. i am so very normal and so far from being anything like your husband that you chose to marry against the GOOD advice and wisdom from your parents that its not funny. i am a man. i will be who i am. i will be successful. i love God. i will love my wife (whoever she maybe) with all of my heart and treat her like the queen that she will be. thats why i have waited so long to get married. I WILL NOT SETTLE. i'm sorry for everything that you have gone through and are going through currently. i am serious about this one thing. this is my last message to you. i will not respond to any others. you have chosen your life and path as twisted as it may be.
Date: Apr 30, 2007 6:39 PM
How interesting...I am not exactly sure what you mean by "currently going through"...because I AM the stable one in life...and have no "issues" that I am dealing with...
Oh, unless you are referring to the fact that you are running away from situations that you don't have guts to talk about???? And that you want to take the cop-out way of communicating with YOUR FAMILY by "cutting yourself OFF from them"...hmmm!
And, tell me...exactly how is my life "twisted"? How can living for God and raising two boys to also love God, be "twisted"?
I would love to hear a counselor's view on your statements and philosophy in life!
I will also be serious about something with you. YOU ARE my BROTHER...and ALWAYS be! I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU...unconditionally! That is what God expects of me as His Child. So no matter what hurtful things you choose to say or do, I am much stronger than you may think. God is my Strength...and I walk through life with His Guidance and Wisdom.
I pray that you will also come to experience His Unconditional Love and Grace and will be able to live it as an example to those around you, beginning with your family, parents & siblings, just as I have learned to do!
Friday, April 27, 2007
Friday Night Lights
Current mood: lonely
It's Friday! TGIF! Working for the Weekend! Whatever your catch phrase is.
There are Friday night lights at the football stadium. There are Friday night lights on the highway driving on a road trip. There are Friday night lights at a hip dance club. There are Friday night lights at the local grocery store.
Which Friday night lights, do you think I am seeing tonight?
Of course! The grocery store!!!! What kind of people go the GROCERY STORE on a Friday night????
Those of us without a date... Or without our kids... Or without family...
I remember as a kid that our family would go out to dinner for fish at Skipper's Restaraunt, then go to Price Saver's and Costco to grocery shop in bulk. It was quite the family bonding event. We could easily spend hours as my father and brother would scout out all the free samples! LOL
Then when I was married, we would go get groceries together as our little "date night"...then come home and put in a bag of hot wings and curl up to a movie...until I was too pregnant to eat hot wings!
So yes, I am the kind of person that ends up at the grocery store on a Friday night. How sad and pathetic...lol!
It's Friday! TGIF! Working for the Weekend! Whatever your catch phrase is.
There are Friday night lights at the football stadium. There are Friday night lights on the highway driving on a road trip. There are Friday night lights at a hip dance club. There are Friday night lights at the local grocery store.
Which Friday night lights, do you think I am seeing tonight?
Of course! The grocery store!!!! What kind of people go the GROCERY STORE on a Friday night????
Those of us without a date... Or without our kids... Or without family...
I remember as a kid that our family would go out to dinner for fish at Skipper's Restaraunt, then go to Price Saver's and Costco to grocery shop in bulk. It was quite the family bonding event. We could easily spend hours as my father and brother would scout out all the free samples! LOL
Then when I was married, we would go get groceries together as our little "date night"...then come home and put in a bag of hot wings and curl up to a movie...until I was too pregnant to eat hot wings!
So yes, I am the kind of person that ends up at the grocery store on a Friday night. How sad and pathetic...lol!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
My Quandry: Part One
Lately I have been undergoing some personal growth...along a different path than I have ever travelled before. This is good in the fact that, I am not repeating a step at the moment!
My heart has been called to a passion of PRAYER. Something that was being developed in my life back in college days. There was never a week that went by that someone didn't seek me out for a heart-to-heart that always ended in prayer together. On many occasions, this left me scratching my homework schedule and STILL staying up till 2 am!
I remember one time that my mother called (from across town) wondering why I answered at 10pm. ("...well, stop calling me then...") [I know...couldn't resist another Pretty Woman quote!] She asked why I was just getting back to my room (besides the fact that our library didn't close until 11pm), I remember telling her that if people needed me...then that was more important than a grade on a test, because its what was going to last forever.
I never realized until taking a Spiritual Gifts class at my church, that I truly had the passion of Intercessory Prayer as a Spiritual Gift. I thought my interest in prayer was because of the power it had in my personal life.
I began my prayer partnership with T, back when I was struggling and fighting for my marriage. We prayed every day on our own and sometimes together 2-3 times per week. We SAW prayer CHANGE things in our daily lives! Prayer changed ME! Prayer even changed my husband. We were even headed on a better path as a married couple. Ultimately, God still gives each of us a choice, and my husband CHOSE the path of his own life. To this day, we still set aside a night to pray together. There is STRENGTH in numbers! Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." (NIV) And we pray IN Jesus' Name. There is power in praying scripture, which is God's Word.
This has been the cornerstone in my life. It has been the act of servanthood in prayer that has helped to keep me strong. Prayer is my communication with God. Communication with God is the basis of my relationship with Him. My relationship with Him includes EVERY part of my life...when I am on the right path, or even when I have CHOSEN a detour. I always find my way back using GPS: God's Personal Signals!
My heart has been called to a passion of PRAYER. Something that was being developed in my life back in college days. There was never a week that went by that someone didn't seek me out for a heart-to-heart that always ended in prayer together. On many occasions, this left me scratching my homework schedule and STILL staying up till 2 am!
I remember one time that my mother called (from across town) wondering why I answered at 10pm. ("...well, stop calling me then...") [I know...couldn't resist another Pretty Woman quote!] She asked why I was just getting back to my room (besides the fact that our library didn't close until 11pm), I remember telling her that if people needed me...then that was more important than a grade on a test, because its what was going to last forever.
I never realized until taking a Spiritual Gifts class at my church, that I truly had the passion of Intercessory Prayer as a Spiritual Gift. I thought my interest in prayer was because of the power it had in my personal life.
I began my prayer partnership with T, back when I was struggling and fighting for my marriage. We prayed every day on our own and sometimes together 2-3 times per week. We SAW prayer CHANGE things in our daily lives! Prayer changed ME! Prayer even changed my husband. We were even headed on a better path as a married couple. Ultimately, God still gives each of us a choice, and my husband CHOSE the path of his own life. To this day, we still set aside a night to pray together. There is STRENGTH in numbers! Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." (NIV) And we pray IN Jesus' Name. There is power in praying scripture, which is God's Word.
This has been the cornerstone in my life. It has been the act of servanthood in prayer that has helped to keep me strong. Prayer is my communication with God. Communication with God is the basis of my relationship with Him. My relationship with Him includes EVERY part of my life...when I am on the right path, or even when I have CHOSEN a detour. I always find my way back using GPS: God's Personal Signals!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Six Degrees of Separation
Current mood: grateful
Category: Friends
They say we are all connected with one another within six degrees of separation. I even watched a test show on this theory...and both candidates WERE able to connect within six contacts...I was intrigued to say the least!
Tonight I had dinner with three very special ladies! On the way to the restaurant, I realized that we all had something in common with each other. Mind you, me being the social planner (even in college), I am the one always inviting everyone along for the outing! I was getting to see two girlfriends from college...one of whom I knew a little...and her best friend, that I didn't really know personally, but have gotten to know more lately. I automatically invited another girlfriend, who also is a mom and needs a break and time away with girlfriends. I forget sometimes that it may be strange for someone to meet others they don't know...but it didn't seem weird at all. Of course, I KNOW how to pick COOL FRIENDS!!!!
It was a night of being free to be ourselves. Who we are. What we want. What we don't like. What we need. Ironically, we all seemed to say the same thing! Even though we live in different places, have different lives, dealing with different issues...we are alike. WE are women trying to live our lives the best we can, while raising our children to have a better life than we have had!
The question was posed to me, "how can all of us sitting here be going through the same kinds of stuff? does everyone go through things...or just us?" I actually have other close friends that have and/or going through similar situations now. So its not just the four us at dinner tonight.
So here's to my girls!!! Keep on keeping on...
CHEERS!!!
Category: Friends
They say we are all connected with one another within six degrees of separation. I even watched a test show on this theory...and both candidates WERE able to connect within six contacts...I was intrigued to say the least!
Tonight I had dinner with three very special ladies! On the way to the restaurant, I realized that we all had something in common with each other. Mind you, me being the social planner (even in college), I am the one always inviting everyone along for the outing! I was getting to see two girlfriends from college...one of whom I knew a little...and her best friend, that I didn't really know personally, but have gotten to know more lately. I automatically invited another girlfriend, who also is a mom and needs a break and time away with girlfriends. I forget sometimes that it may be strange for someone to meet others they don't know...but it didn't seem weird at all. Of course, I KNOW how to pick COOL FRIENDS!!!!
It was a night of being free to be ourselves. Who we are. What we want. What we don't like. What we need. Ironically, we all seemed to say the same thing! Even though we live in different places, have different lives, dealing with different issues...we are alike. WE are women trying to live our lives the best we can, while raising our children to have a better life than we have had!
The question was posed to me, "how can all of us sitting here be going through the same kinds of stuff? does everyone go through things...or just us?" I actually have other close friends that have and/or going through similar situations now. So its not just the four us at dinner tonight.
So here's to my girls!!! Keep on keeping on...
CHEERS!!!
Saturday, March 17, 2007
A Window to the Past...
In reflection on my past, that was inspired by my FRIENDS...here is a glimpse from that window:
6/7/99 - Lord, I'm still really struggling inside. I know you are doing a healing work in my heart and life. However, I don't know what I feel right now. Paul actually wanted me to talk about what's on my mind, but I don't really know. I feel lost -- like I'm caught between two realms.
11/29/00 - Dear Lord Jesus, Thank you for revealing the truth to me tonight despite the enormity of the situation and the seriousness of it all. Thankfully, I was on the phone with Jillisa when it was first shown to me. At first I was talking and weeping about my feeling lonely and sad, then I realized it had nothing to do with Paul but my issue of abandonment even from my parents. She said this truly will be the time I have to take to learn to love me - Joy. That's deeper than I was thinking, but so very true. I was raised believing you didn't think about yourself first, you love your neighbor NOT yourself, BUT God says "love your neighbor AS yourself". Hmmm....how screwed up is that Christian doctrine? I have to wonder if it weren't better if I hadn't been taught what I was from the Bible. Some teachings have caused me more harm than good. However, I'm very glad that God, HIMSELF, has been real to me and has walked with me and protected me. I believe HE has directed my life and I'm very glad that I've stayed on His path and chosen to live as a Christian. Back to the topic...All my life it was drilled into me the J-O-Y method: Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. I was in college when I realized that its yourself THIRD, then all the other stuff. I even gave a campaign speech in college on this theme. Now...I'm not so sure how much I agree with this philosophy at all.
Alright, Jillisa said to learn to "feel" my emotions and work through them. When I started feeling sick, instead of gutting it up and suppressing it, I went to the bathroom and was crying and heaving and threw up. Then I leaned against the wall and prayed and God hugged me with His arms of love. I feel 10 years wiser. Thank you God for rescuing me and my children from the entrapment of incest and sexual, verbal abuse! Thank you Jesus for Your power and mercy. You have broken the curse of this sickness from my offspring! Lord, I pray that you will reach out to Paul, wherever he is...and give him healing too.
9/30/01 - I confess...I have been putting off journaling for some time now. I have been going to therapy which has alleviated the majority of my journaling. However, in the past few months I have had a lot on my plate to balance. But the great part is that I've not given up!! God has continually blessed me despite the times I've started to doubt him. I do have a lot to get off my chest at this time. In fact, last night, I even called the hotline for the first time. I was feeling very alone and scared that I failed my kids. Jillisa was asleep already and Tonya was playing a game with Chad, so I still found a way to reach out for support instead of freaking out. Anyway, I start my brand new job tomorrow morning!! Thank you God for providing our needs. Thank you for Your peace I've begun to feel as I've opened my heart to pour my thoughts into my journal. I feel so certain that I have begun a new chapter in my life and my growth is going yet one more step farther. I never really thought I'd feel this good about my life, but I do! Continue to teach me, Lord!
6/7/99 - Lord, I'm still really struggling inside. I know you are doing a healing work in my heart and life. However, I don't know what I feel right now. Paul actually wanted me to talk about what's on my mind, but I don't really know. I feel lost -- like I'm caught between two realms.
11/29/00 - Dear Lord Jesus, Thank you for revealing the truth to me tonight despite the enormity of the situation and the seriousness of it all. Thankfully, I was on the phone with Jillisa when it was first shown to me. At first I was talking and weeping about my feeling lonely and sad, then I realized it had nothing to do with Paul but my issue of abandonment even from my parents. She said this truly will be the time I have to take to learn to love me - Joy. That's deeper than I was thinking, but so very true. I was raised believing you didn't think about yourself first, you love your neighbor NOT yourself, BUT God says "love your neighbor AS yourself". Hmmm....how screwed up is that Christian doctrine? I have to wonder if it weren't better if I hadn't been taught what I was from the Bible. Some teachings have caused me more harm than good. However, I'm very glad that God, HIMSELF, has been real to me and has walked with me and protected me. I believe HE has directed my life and I'm very glad that I've stayed on His path and chosen to live as a Christian. Back to the topic...All my life it was drilled into me the J-O-Y method: Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. I was in college when I realized that its yourself THIRD, then all the other stuff. I even gave a campaign speech in college on this theme. Now...I'm not so sure how much I agree with this philosophy at all.
Alright, Jillisa said to learn to "feel" my emotions and work through them. When I started feeling sick, instead of gutting it up and suppressing it, I went to the bathroom and was crying and heaving and threw up. Then I leaned against the wall and prayed and God hugged me with His arms of love. I feel 10 years wiser. Thank you God for rescuing me and my children from the entrapment of incest and sexual, verbal abuse! Thank you Jesus for Your power and mercy. You have broken the curse of this sickness from my offspring! Lord, I pray that you will reach out to Paul, wherever he is...and give him healing too.
9/30/01 - I confess...I have been putting off journaling for some time now. I have been going to therapy which has alleviated the majority of my journaling. However, in the past few months I have had a lot on my plate to balance. But the great part is that I've not given up!! God has continually blessed me despite the times I've started to doubt him. I do have a lot to get off my chest at this time. In fact, last night, I even called the hotline for the first time. I was feeling very alone and scared that I failed my kids. Jillisa was asleep already and Tonya was playing a game with Chad, so I still found a way to reach out for support instead of freaking out. Anyway, I start my brand new job tomorrow morning!! Thank you God for providing our needs. Thank you for Your peace I've begun to feel as I've opened my heart to pour my thoughts into my journal. I feel so certain that I have begun a new chapter in my life and my growth is going yet one more step farther. I never really thought I'd feel this good about my life, but I do! Continue to teach me, Lord!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Heartache
My heart aches, Lord...not for me and my life's trials...but for my dear friends...
I read a story in my email today about our trials/tribulations creating "holes" in the tapestry of our life...and how its through those "holes" that YOU are revealed; YOUR light shines through.
This is how I have dedicated my life's story to You, Lord. I keep the saying from Max Lucado, that "It's NOT about me; It's about YOU" as my cell phone banner. Truly, this is my heart's cry.
As I began my journey from my marriage into single-motherhood, I always hoped that my story would one day encourage others. You have brought so many special women into my life where I am so honored to call them FRIENDS. Just as You have given me friends and mentors with unconditional love and support, I have offered my heart to love, my ears to listen, my shoulder to cry on, and my arms to hug.
So how come my heart aches?
I desperately seek to enable others to succeed in life, NOT travel down the broken-hearted road of divorce. How can I give them HOPE, Lord?
My tears are not for the hurt they are experiencing or have experienced, but for the anguish they have yet to experience.
Lord, I pray for me.
I pray for my FRIENDS.
Friendship to endure all things. Mothering advice in raising children. Hope when life alone is depressing. Prayer when funds are short.
Laughter with the silly things. Snapshots of the memories.
Strength in YOU,
...and joy in our heart.
I read a story in my email today about our trials/tribulations creating "holes" in the tapestry of our life...and how its through those "holes" that YOU are revealed; YOUR light shines through.
This is how I have dedicated my life's story to You, Lord. I keep the saying from Max Lucado, that "It's NOT about me; It's about YOU" as my cell phone banner. Truly, this is my heart's cry.
As I began my journey from my marriage into single-motherhood, I always hoped that my story would one day encourage others. You have brought so many special women into my life where I am so honored to call them FRIENDS. Just as You have given me friends and mentors with unconditional love and support, I have offered my heart to love, my ears to listen, my shoulder to cry on, and my arms to hug.
So how come my heart aches?
I desperately seek to enable others to succeed in life, NOT travel down the broken-hearted road of divorce. How can I give them HOPE, Lord?
My tears are not for the hurt they are experiencing or have experienced, but for the anguish they have yet to experience.
Lord, I pray for me.
I pray for my FRIENDS.
Friendship to endure all things. Mothering advice in raising children. Hope when life alone is depressing. Prayer when funds are short.
Laughter with the silly things. Snapshots of the memories.
Strength in YOU,
...and joy in our heart.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Dating in the City
For those that know me...will know I have more than my share of dating stories! Now that I am at a new place of employment, well, I have a new audience...lol! So in sharing some of my tales with my new cubemate and watching her laugh so hard tears were appearing in her eyes, I decided it was time to get some of them down in print. One disclosure, NOT ALL of the stories are from personal experience, but were personally observed!
I have made my own list of "RULES" for the single gal:
1. Don't meet a guy at a bar...because when he walks you to your car, you may just find that he isn't even as tall as you!
2. Don't meet a guy just for drinks...because when he goes to kiss you goodnight, he is too dehydrated and ends up lapping at your mouth like a dog in search of water.
3. When you meet a guy online and his "roommate" responds to your IMs...get the Heck Away from him...that's NOT his "roommate" ladies!
4. When he pulls into the drive-thru at Jack-in-the-Box...get out of the car and call for a taxi!
5. If he tells you that, "sorry, he must have left his wallet in his car"...he is a LOSER!!!
6. When he pulls up in a mini-van...more times than not, he is still married.
7. If he is constantly getting calls or text messages while you are out for coffee...he hasn't let go of the past with his ex-wife.
8. If ALL of his friends are female, then he IS a player...men really can't be "just friends" with THAT MANY women.
9. If he says you can only order off the dollar menu...then order 10 items to make it worth the date!
10. If he asks you to drive your car because his needs repairs, then he is definitely not worth seeing again...can you only imagine what you will be driving if you were dating him?!
I have made my own list of "RULES" for the single gal:
1. Don't meet a guy at a bar...because when he walks you to your car, you may just find that he isn't even as tall as you!
2. Don't meet a guy just for drinks...because when he goes to kiss you goodnight, he is too dehydrated and ends up lapping at your mouth like a dog in search of water.
3. When you meet a guy online and his "roommate" responds to your IMs...get the Heck Away from him...that's NOT his "roommate" ladies!
4. When he pulls into the drive-thru at Jack-in-the-Box...get out of the car and call for a taxi!
5. If he tells you that, "sorry, he must have left his wallet in his car"...he is a LOSER!!!
6. When he pulls up in a mini-van...more times than not, he is still married.
7. If he is constantly getting calls or text messages while you are out for coffee...he hasn't let go of the past with his ex-wife.
8. If ALL of his friends are female, then he IS a player...men really can't be "just friends" with THAT MANY women.
9. If he says you can only order off the dollar menu...then order 10 items to make it worth the date!
10. If he asks you to drive your car because his needs repairs, then he is definitely not worth seeing again...can you only imagine what you will be driving if you were dating him?!
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Jadee's New Tour Announced
Guess who's back...back again...Jadee's back...tell a friend... =)
OK, OK, NO...I am not a fan of Eminem...but it just hit my head when I started to write my intro...and my name even fit in line...LOL! But I was always intrigued about the spelling of his name...thinking I made that up years ago when I wanted to "name" my favorite candy...M&Ms.
Anyway, after the much awaited moment, I have given into my fans and have returned to the blogworld! However, I must say I am happy to announce many of my friends have crossed over to the "other" side. I can't bring myself to say the "dark" side....even though my boys are now fans of Star Wars...thanks to their father! It was bound to happen sometime with Uncle Dash and cousin C-man...lol!
I had been using this blog for my more spiritual encounters/journaling...and had been using my myspace page for ME...with music and colors/designs and humor....then I found that I needed to copy/paste my blogs from here for my fans over there. But I have had more than one person ask me why I wasn't blogging over here...so here I am!!!!
Among the newest things in my life:
I actually tried a KFC Bowl the other day! This meal came with raving reviews from dear friends of mine...but for some reason it never "looked" appetizing to me. I think its because I see those foods as foods to be eaten separately. It took me years to get over the issue of having foods "touch" on my plate....lol...so this was a huge step for me! It tasted pretty good...even though I still like my food served separately.
Another new adventure in my life is that I am now working full time again!!! I just started a contract position with a global company who is based here in St. Louis. This is not only an answer to prayer, but a great opportunity. I am working with the Training and Development team in the HR Department. The most exciting accomplishment was scheduling a conference call with 6 different time zones, of which only ONE was a US time zone! Whew, my head was spinning...even with the help of the World Clock Meeting Planner. All in all...it was a good week!
OK, OK, NO...I am not a fan of Eminem...but it just hit my head when I started to write my intro...and my name even fit in line...LOL! But I was always intrigued about the spelling of his name...thinking I made that up years ago when I wanted to "name" my favorite candy...M&Ms.
Anyway, after the much awaited moment, I have given into my fans and have returned to the blogworld! However, I must say I am happy to announce many of my friends have crossed over to the "other" side. I can't bring myself to say the "dark" side....even though my boys are now fans of Star Wars...thanks to their father! It was bound to happen sometime with Uncle Dash and cousin C-man...lol!
I had been using this blog for my more spiritual encounters/journaling...and had been using my myspace page for ME...with music and colors/designs and humor....then I found that I needed to copy/paste my blogs from here for my fans over there. But I have had more than one person ask me why I wasn't blogging over here...so here I am!!!!
Among the newest things in my life:
I actually tried a KFC Bowl the other day! This meal came with raving reviews from dear friends of mine...but for some reason it never "looked" appetizing to me. I think its because I see those foods as foods to be eaten separately. It took me years to get over the issue of having foods "touch" on my plate....lol...so this was a huge step for me! It tasted pretty good...even though I still like my food served separately.
Another new adventure in my life is that I am now working full time again!!! I just started a contract position with a global company who is based here in St. Louis. This is not only an answer to prayer, but a great opportunity. I am working with the Training and Development team in the HR Department. The most exciting accomplishment was scheduling a conference call with 6 different time zones, of which only ONE was a US time zone! Whew, my head was spinning...even with the help of the World Clock Meeting Planner. All in all...it was a good week!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Taste the beaters!
I made some brownies tonight for my boys. Thankfully, they were busy playing online with Yahooligans, so they didn't ask to taste the beaters when I was done with the mixer...LOL!
Yes, I know they have warnings out now to "not taste the beaters, because of the raw egg". But, we have all done it as kids...and I don't recall anyone going to the hospital sick because of it. How much is really on the beater? If you used the mixer like my mom, she was very good at slowly drawing the beaters out of the batter so there was hardly anything on them. Oh, but it was sooooo YUMMY! I remember as a kid, just how good that tasted and was so ancy jumping in front of the oven for the cake or brownies to bake, with my tastebuds watering. It was so hard to wait, BUT I knew "just how good the "real thing" was going to be, BECAUSE I had tasted the beaters"!
As I stood over the bowl this evening, knowing my only indulgance was the "taste" because I am off sweets for my eating regimen (wink, wink)....I contemplated this place in my life right now. I realized that during my unemployment, I am in the "waiting/baking" period of my "new job". I had a little "taste" of a position that I thoroughly enjoyed the last couple of months of 2006, BUT it was just that...a "taste". I can only imagine how much better the "real thing" is going to be when its time!
How neat it is for God to remind me of the little things and little moments that make a profound impact on my faith! I am relying on Him to fulfill the "baking" of my life and produce a decadent creation....that is only going to be so much better than I could have imagined for my life.
Don't forget to "taste the beaters"...its just a sample of the "real thing" to come!
Yes, I know they have warnings out now to "not taste the beaters, because of the raw egg". But, we have all done it as kids...and I don't recall anyone going to the hospital sick because of it. How much is really on the beater? If you used the mixer like my mom, she was very good at slowly drawing the beaters out of the batter so there was hardly anything on them. Oh, but it was sooooo YUMMY! I remember as a kid, just how good that tasted and was so ancy jumping in front of the oven for the cake or brownies to bake, with my tastebuds watering. It was so hard to wait, BUT I knew "just how good the "real thing" was going to be, BECAUSE I had tasted the beaters"!
As I stood over the bowl this evening, knowing my only indulgance was the "taste" because I am off sweets for my eating regimen (wink, wink)....I contemplated this place in my life right now. I realized that during my unemployment, I am in the "waiting/baking" period of my "new job". I had a little "taste" of a position that I thoroughly enjoyed the last couple of months of 2006, BUT it was just that...a "taste". I can only imagine how much better the "real thing" is going to be when its time!
How neat it is for God to remind me of the little things and little moments that make a profound impact on my faith! I am relying on Him to fulfill the "baking" of my life and produce a decadent creation....that is only going to be so much better than I could have imagined for my life.
Don't forget to "taste the beaters"...its just a sample of the "real thing" to come!
Friday, January 19, 2007
CLEANING HOUSE FOR 2007
Last week I threw out worrying, it was getting old and in the way. It kept me from being me; I couldn't do things God's way.
I threw out a book on MY PAST (Didn't have time to read it anyway). Replaced it with NEW GOALS, started reading it today.
I threw out hate and bad memories, (Remember how I treasured them so?) Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too, threw out the one from long ago.
Brought in some new books too, called I CAN, I WILL, AND I MUST. Threw out I might, I think and I ought. WOW, you should've seen the dust.
I ran across an OLD FRIEND, I hadn't talked to in a while. His name is GOD the Father, and I really like His style.
He helped me to do some cleaning and added some things Himself. Like PRAYER, HOPE, FAITH and LOVE, Yes I placed them right on the shelf.
I picked up this special thing and placed it at the front door. I FOUND IT- it's called PEACE. Nothing gets me down anymore.
Yes, I've got my house looking nice. Looks good around the place. For things like Worry and Trouble there just isn't any space.
It's good to do a little house cleaning, Get rid of the things on the shelf. It sure makes things brighter; maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.
I threw out a book on MY PAST (Didn't have time to read it anyway). Replaced it with NEW GOALS, started reading it today.
I threw out hate and bad memories, (Remember how I treasured them so?) Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too, threw out the one from long ago.
Brought in some new books too, called I CAN, I WILL, AND I MUST. Threw out I might, I think and I ought. WOW, you should've seen the dust.
I ran across an OLD FRIEND, I hadn't talked to in a while. His name is GOD the Father, and I really like His style.
He helped me to do some cleaning and added some things Himself. Like PRAYER, HOPE, FAITH and LOVE, Yes I placed them right on the shelf.
I picked up this special thing and placed it at the front door. I FOUND IT- it's called PEACE. Nothing gets me down anymore.
Yes, I've got my house looking nice. Looks good around the place. For things like Worry and Trouble there just isn't any space.
It's good to do a little house cleaning, Get rid of the things on the shelf. It sure makes things brighter; maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The Proud or The Poor
Okay...I have officially reached my breaking point. Everyone has been saying that they can't believe how strong I am and how well I am doing with my unemployment situation...but let me tell you...I AM HUMAN!!!! I do CRY!!! I do get angry and have panic attacks....its part of the STRESS!!!
But let me tell you my dilemma: I have been waiting for my unemployment checks to be processed only to find out they sent it to an old bank account (that unfortunately has a balance owed from my illness/hospitalization in 2005) So, even though I have notified all my creditors, and this bank was still willing to work with me on the monthly payment arrangement...they now have a lump sum payment which almost wipes the debt clean.
Which means no rent money...
I have no qualms about going down to the state agencies to apply for food assistance...after all, I have been paying into the system for years. I don't qualify for the month of December because I actually worked. No problem. But I haven't worked in January, however, the funds won't be distributed until the 22nd.
That's what took me to the food pantry tonight...
NOW, I try hard to be accepting of things given to me...but I really want to know how I am supposed to make meals with two small pkgs of meat and 8 boxes of pasta garnished with 3 cans of beets?!! WHO eats BEETS???
Well, tonight I get home to put away the groceries, which we pray and thank the Lord for on the way home. Only to my surprise, that I have been blessed with ROADKILL!! Seriously, the label said "Missouri Department of Share the Rewards Program" on the ground venison...EEK!!!
Now am I being PRIDEFUL because I don't want to eat this? And should I just eat whatever the POOR people can get given to them?
Which is better?
(ps. personally I prefer being employed...lol!)
But let me tell you my dilemma: I have been waiting for my unemployment checks to be processed only to find out they sent it to an old bank account (that unfortunately has a balance owed from my illness/hospitalization in 2005) So, even though I have notified all my creditors, and this bank was still willing to work with me on the monthly payment arrangement...they now have a lump sum payment which almost wipes the debt clean.
Which means no rent money...
I have no qualms about going down to the state agencies to apply for food assistance...after all, I have been paying into the system for years. I don't qualify for the month of December because I actually worked. No problem. But I haven't worked in January, however, the funds won't be distributed until the 22nd.
That's what took me to the food pantry tonight...
NOW, I try hard to be accepting of things given to me...but I really want to know how I am supposed to make meals with two small pkgs of meat and 8 boxes of pasta garnished with 3 cans of beets?!! WHO eats BEETS???
Well, tonight I get home to put away the groceries, which we pray and thank the Lord for on the way home. Only to my surprise, that I have been blessed with ROADKILL!! Seriously, the label said "Missouri Department of Share the Rewards Program" on the ground venison...EEK!!!
Now am I being PRIDEFUL because I don't want to eat this? And should I just eat whatever the POOR people can get given to them?
Which is better?
(ps. personally I prefer being employed...lol!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)