MIRACLE for MARK

On Monday, my brother Mark fell 7ft from a ladder, breaking both bones in his leg and hit his head on concrete. It seems his foot must have gotten caught in the ladder causing the leg to snap back. He had emergency surgery to place rods in his bones and plates around his ankle. As of today, he is still in the hospital and has been doing physical therapy since Tuesday. We are praying for him to be released and be in his own home for Christmas.

Ironically, we had just decided on Sunday night, that my sis (Spfd) and I (Stl) would both drive to Mark's (Nashville) and he would drive all of seven of us to see our folks for Christmas in North Carolina. If you read through my blog archives, my brother was instrumental in arranging for our family to get together for the first time in 13 years, just last Christmas (pic below). I KNOW God is a God of Miracles...as I have lived and experienced many of them. I KNOW God will provide speedy healing for Mark.

I also know God will provide funds for Mark's medical expenses. As a business owner, he is self-employed without medical insurance. My brother is a selfless person and makes sure his employees are taken care of before himself. I will be collecting all profits from my Mary Kay business to donate to his medical expenses. I invite you to shop securely on my website at www.marykay.com/joydeboard and make a note "Miracle for Mark" in the comments section when you order. I will ship for free anywhere in the US.


My folks have also set up a fund for his medical expenses, if you wish to donate: http://www.markwblack.blogspot.com/. Please contact your accountant for details on charitable giving that can be deducted for 2010.



Thank you for your continued prayers for his healing!

Enough Already

When is enough, enough?

This post is not about my struggles of a failed marriage or a devastating divorce, rather, it is about the struggles of single parenting WHILE ATTEMPTING to "co-parent".

It is going on 10 years this year since I became a single mom. My journey began with an "almost 3-yr old" and an "almost 2-yr old". I went from being a stay-at-home mom to looking for full-time employment. My children were forced into a daycare situation where they have spent the last 10 years of their life, before and after school.

During this most recent time of unemployment, I have embraced the opportunity to cook at home for my children (it's great that I'm not exhausted as when I would get home from work), to have family meals together, to have family devotional time together as well as play table games with them after dinner. Yes, it may keep "stuff" on my dining table, but it is the bonding/family connection that is worth more by keeping the games in easy reach. We are growing closer as a family unit and the boys' are happier and more open than they have ever been.

What prompted my blogging tonight was a meeting I had today with the boys' counselor. She of course, had met with their dad last week...which meant she got "his version" first. Apparently, he must have really let loose on "issues" about me. Since she said she is just the messenger and change agent to help us find a way to work in the boys' best interests as co-parents. I responded like I always do, I kept a pleasant voice and focused on the positive of what I am doing for the boys and that I don't keep the boys from him for visits, etc. I have ALWAYS done this. I don't talk degrading about him to the boys...nor to any of our mutual friends (even any of those college friends on Facebook that may even happen to read this blog). Only my closest girlfriends, that I can cry on their shoulder...know the dirty details. It has NOT been easy, but I ALWAYS take the high road when dealing with their father. I have always followed the custody paperwork and been flexible when he needs to cancel or change a visit and even on the rare occasion he asks for more time with them.

Unfortunately, as the boys have gotten older, they have become more vocal about not wanting to go to his house. They are 12 and 11 now, and their interests have changed from being in the house all weekend watching Veggie Tales. Also, they are old enough to see differences in the way I run my household vs. the way he runs his household. I have always told my boys that they have to do what he says when they are at his house, just like they have to do what I say at my house. I am glad they are becoming more open about how they feel and what they are going through...at my house and at his house.

However, today I was told that some of his issues with me is me taking away his time with the boys. I said I didn't understand that statement. She went on to say his issue is that the boys seem to be more connected with me even when they are at his house. The counselor says that she has to tell me hard truth about being more agreeable with him because the boys are feeling the tension. Again, I am confused. I am to be penalized because I am creating a connected family with the boys and me? Isn't that what a good parent does? But I am the one who is supposed "become more agreeable"? I am irritated because NO ONE wants to ever stand up to him and tell him what he should change about parenting/co-parenting and that he should become more agreeable with me. I find it ironic that it is always me who is targeted to change. Yet the teachers always call me for any school issues because they know I am a parent that will be involved with my boys' lives. They also know from talking to him that he doesn't budge for anyone. When it comes to counselors they think to "resolve the issues" that they will "talk mom into changing her ways"...then they feel they accomplished their project with my boys...and all ends well.

So I left today thinking, wow, what am I doing wrong and what do I need to change to get along better with their dad so they don't feel caught in the middle? What is it that I haven't already been doing to try to accomplish that goal?

Then I had a second thought.

Nothing! There isn't anything that I haven't done/am doing to help achieve that goal. I have bent over backwards for him, carried the boys' expenses that custody papers say are his financial responsibility, read every parenting book on the market, went through individual counseling and I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that I am doing a good job as a parent. I am there for my boys and make every effort for them to know it is safe to talk to me about what they are going through. There is nothing I need to be doing to be "more agreeable" with him. I am not going to bow down to his ways any longer. When he makes an effort to improve his own parenting/co-parenting, then we can talk about finding some middle ground. At the moment, the efforts to bettering our parent skills are very one-sided. So of course, there is going to be tension when we aren't on the same page. But why is it my views/efforts that are required to change to match his...that seem to be non-existent?

When is enough, enough?

When do I get to be seen as the parent that provides for them emotionally, spiritually and financially with food and clothes? They grow overnight and I am constantly buying clothes that he keeps when they come to visit him. His child support is not even enough to cover the food they eat per month...they are growing boys. And that is not even a constant payment, so I can't bank on it. I am unemployed right now and STILL PROVIDING for my children. When I was so sick that I nearly died, I found a way to keep providing for my children. I had help from friends, but no help from him. When I had a car accident and broken wrist and out of work for three months to heal, I kept taking care of my children alone. When is anyone going to be strong enough to stand up and say that I am the responsible parent?

Am I really supposed to spend the next 10 years, breaking my back from bending over to make sure that we never disagree?

I say....enough already!!

Blessings in Disguise

I've been counting my blessings lately. It is so easy to get stuck seeing only the negatives in our life when we are at a standstill. But, I have found many wonderful blessings since my layoff last fall that I would like to share with you here.

1. I had the time (that we always wish for) to sort and clear out my old apartment in preparation for my move....there are still those last two boxes in my room...lol!

2. I have the time for reading my Bible. Something we also say we wish we had...we try to read but are so tired. Colossians 4:2 says to devote to prayer with an alert mind. (NLT)

3. I have had the time to cook. I mean, actually COOK...not microwave meals! This has helped in my endeavors to increase my family's health.

4. I have had the time to reevaluate my life's goals. What does God want for me? What do I want so that I am LIVING and not "just making it through".

5. I have had the time to search for the "right fit" for a job. Honestly, there are not many jobs posted available for my skillset. So instead of sitting around twiddling my thumbs (or napping all day) I pulled out my little Mary Kay nametag and went to work!

Ultimately, I have found myself sharing more than pleasantries with many people that cross my path during the day. Not just about what I do for a living with Mary Kay, but what LIVING for God is all about. I was reminded today, that God honors obedience above sacrifice, therefore, I am seeking to obey God with each day I live...I know He is my provider....that, my friend, is a blessing!

(2 Chronicles 31:21 - In all that he did in the service of the Temple of God and in his efforts to follow God’s laws and commands, Hezekiah sought his God wholeheartedly. As a result, he was very successful.)

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly...AND The Blessings!

I have started on a new journey in life, but not just for this new year. I have also grown to embrace all facets of life: the good, the bad, the ugly...AND the blessings. So, I hope to capture my thoughts again and share...maybe you will be encouraged or maybe you will encourage me!

First of all, a recap of the missing year of journaling in my life:

When someone told me that God has promised that 2009 was "the year of healing and restoration in families", I actually laughed out loud. I thought, "well, goody for you, mister, you just don't know about MY family"..."I've prayed about my family for 15 years and NOTHING I ever do is pleasing to them"..."so, okay, let's see if God really told you this promise".

For someone that was raised in church, but found my own relationship with God over the years, this was probably the most sarcastic I have ever been about God. It made me feel sick that I had such a low expectation of God. Afterall, He had brought me up from such low places, enabled me to become a very strong woman and guided me in single-parenting...why would I think He wouldn't come through for me in regards to my family.

I believe the starting point of my healing was in February, when my oldest son was admitted to a week's stay at a mental hospital for suicidal depression. He had been struggling with this for a couple of years and I had tried every solution for help that I could (much prayer, health supplements, better sleeping habits, aromatherapy, counseling, teaching him to pray & journal), I knew it was a more serious problem when he was making comments at school. Even though it was one the hardest things I ever had to do for my child, in a way, it was one of the best things I could have done for him. I bought him a grown up Bible and he was reading it on his own. He came home with a loving attitude and appreciation for me, his mom. For me, it was at that moment of no control that I learned to lean on God for His support...again!

The next opportunity God used in the process of healing my heart was when I attended the Women of Faith Conference in Indianapolis with my best friend, T. I had attended many WOF conferences before and always came away lifted up and spiritually encouraged. This year was quite opposite. Not that it wasn't inspiring...it was. But the speakers all shared very deep and personal heartaches with us. We laughed together, cried together and prayed together. There was a supernatural healing presence in this huge auditorium...and God KNEW just which seat I was sitting in. Little by little, the layers that had protected the hurt in my heart from my family were slowly being pulled away. God was using my tears to cleanse the grit that had seeped in causing so many little irritations that caused pain every time I even thought about my family. Mind you, I LONGED for healing and wholeness...I longed to be loved and accepted by my family...I longed for my children to have happy times with their grandparents (something I never had).

So from May to June, God was super busy! I had the opportunity to sit across from my father at my own kitchen table and talk for 2 1/2 hours. We cried together, we forgave together and we healed together. Wow, I always longed for a hug from my dad that made me feel safe and loved.

During the rest of the year, my healing had its ups and downs. As the layers come off, there is a vulnerability that is quite scary. I mean, 15 years is a long time for scar tissue to build up, and is quite painful when removed.

Some of the miracles and setbacks that took place include: In August, I received good news that I was approved for a 3-br townhouse on a Friday...and was told the next Monday that my job was being eliminated. (Where are you, God? It's me, Joy!) I continued the moving process for October 3rd and was extremely grateful to God...as HE DOES KNOW BEST! I was given the blessing of being paid through October, but released from duties, which allowed my full attention on sorting/packing for my move.

During this time, the boys had started back to school. Both of them on ADD medicine and one on an antidepressant. Copays were still expensive on all of these meds, not to mention my acid reflux med. So far, things were improving for the boys at school and both boys received all A's and B's...something that has never happened in all their years of school previously. They both test with high scores and high IQ's, so they both were given an IEP to allow more 1:1 time with their teachers. I believe this was a blessing from God to give them a room assignment where its okay for boys to be a little fidgety in their seat.

With the time off from work, I was able to spend more time in prayer and reading the Bible. My relationship with God was strong in prayer and praise, but not so much in reading the Word. Through this personal time with God, He began to bring me into alignment with Him. He brought me to focus on Him and not what others say or do. I learned that He is the Almighty Healer...for physical and emotional needs.

Then came the holidays.

Holidays are always tough for me. The boys have to split time with me and going to their dad's house. Holidays were always a special time for me growing up, so as a single parent for 9 years, it is still hard to be alone. Everyone is quick to invite you to Thanksgiving, but now, Christmas...not so much...they have plans with their family, they are so sorry, they say. Well, I was determined to have a wonderful family Christmas with my boys. The boys and I were safe and happy...we didn't need a lot of gifts. Besides, we were supporting Advent Conspiracy with our church and wanted to build relationships with each other.

Relationships, huh? Relationships with family? Well, it was a good year, God. Thanks for the healing. Thanks for the blessings of the year. Thanks for the opportunity to share my home with others when they need a haven of rest. Thanks for opening communication with my dad.

Then my brother called and said he had rented a cabin in Branson over the Christmas week and was inviting everyone down. YIKES! (Thankfully, he was there a week prior praying for our family visit.) Well, this would be the first time in 15 years that so many of us would be in one place. (I live in STL, my sister in Springfield, MO, my brother in Nashville, my folks and younger sisters in NC) I made plans to attend for all of us, not just the sake of my boys. I was determine to try...again. Of course, when following Christ, we will meet with opposition. And, hoo boy, did "hell" break loose the day before I was to leave...almost causing me to change my plans. Instead, I was able to call my father for encouragement. I even told him that I really needed him to be my dad and explained the situation that had been thrown my way. He was wise in responding and asked me "what was the reason I was going to attend the family gathering...to remember that and not be robbed of a blessing by not going". Wow, what a blessing it turned out to be.

God was still healing me on my drive to Branson and the silly little drive to Walmart with my mother. For the first time, in my adult life, I actually felt love for my mother and could hug her genuinely. I even enjoyed the trip to Walmart with her and my sister! Sounds crazy, I know, but God was still working to fulfill His Promise...it was the last week of December! I have posted a family pic to prove God's faithfulness. We laughed together, cried together, forgave together, healed together and prayed together. If I had not been there to see it myself, I would have never believed it could happen.

I want to share with you that God will keep His promises, but He also wants to bless you with more than just keeping His promises. After the Christmas week at the miracle cabin in Branson, my parents came to see us in STL and spend several days with us through New Year's. This was a great visit for all of us, but it was fun to see my boys getting time with their maternal grandparents. I got to spend time with my little sister as we are both adults now. I have that emotional connection with my family that has been missing all my life.

Thank you, my Heavenly Father!


Christmas Day 2009 -My family with 4 of 5 siblings...I know God has my baby sister in His Hands!