In reflection on my past, that was inspired by my FRIENDS...here is a glimpse from that window:
6/7/99 - Lord, I'm still really struggling inside. I know you are doing a healing work in my heart and life. However, I don't know what I feel right now. Paul actually wanted me to talk about what's on my mind, but I don't really know. I feel lost -- like I'm caught between two realms.
11/29/00 - Dear Lord Jesus, Thank you for revealing the truth to me tonight despite the enormity of the situation and the seriousness of it all. Thankfully, I was on the phone with Jillisa when it was first shown to me. At first I was talking and weeping about my feeling lonely and sad, then I realized it had nothing to do with Paul but my issue of abandonment even from my parents. She said this truly will be the time I have to take to learn to love me - Joy. That's deeper than I was thinking, but so very true. I was raised believing you didn't think about yourself first, you love your neighbor NOT yourself, BUT God says "love your neighbor AS yourself". Hmmm....how screwed up is that Christian doctrine? I have to wonder if it weren't better if I hadn't been taught what I was from the Bible. Some teachings have caused me more harm than good. However, I'm very glad that God, HIMSELF, has been real to me and has walked with me and protected me. I believe HE has directed my life and I'm very glad that I've stayed on His path and chosen to live as a Christian. Back to the topic...All my life it was drilled into me the J-O-Y method: Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. I was in college when I realized that its yourself THIRD, then all the other stuff. I even gave a campaign speech in college on this theme. Now...I'm not so sure how much I agree with this philosophy at all.
Alright, Jillisa said to learn to "feel" my emotions and work through them. When I started feeling sick, instead of gutting it up and suppressing it, I went to the bathroom and was crying and heaving and threw up. Then I leaned against the wall and prayed and God hugged me with His arms of love. I feel 10 years wiser. Thank you God for rescuing me and my children from the entrapment of incest and sexual, verbal abuse! Thank you Jesus for Your power and mercy. You have broken the curse of this sickness from my offspring! Lord, I pray that you will reach out to Paul, wherever he is...and give him healing too.
9/30/01 - I confess...I have been putting off journaling for some time now. I have been going to therapy which has alleviated the majority of my journaling. However, in the past few months I have had a lot on my plate to balance. But the great part is that I've not given up!! God has continually blessed me despite the times I've started to doubt him. I do have a lot to get off my chest at this time. In fact, last night, I even called the hotline for the first time. I was feeling very alone and scared that I failed my kids. Jillisa was asleep already and Tonya was playing a game with Chad, so I still found a way to reach out for support instead of freaking out. Anyway, I start my brand new job tomorrow morning!! Thank you God for providing our needs. Thank you for Your peace I've begun to feel as I've opened my heart to pour my thoughts into my journal. I feel so certain that I have begun a new chapter in my life and my growth is going yet one more step farther. I never really thought I'd feel this good about my life, but I do! Continue to teach me, Lord!
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