A Flash of HOPE

Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

I really wish there was a category listed as "Family", but then so many of us would be blogging in that category alone!

As I was finishing up my blog last evening, I was disappointed with myself that I couldn't end on a "positive note" that I always try to do. Therefore, it was just that...a blog. A blog of emotions. A blog of questions. A blog of tears. A blog of confusion.

However, while I was in tears talking with God, I really was wondering how I would recognize HOPE when it has been so long in my STRUGGLES. I don't even know how to get to the SURRENDER stage...even though I think I have "surrendered" everything I feel/know to this point. I understand I can't control anything in life. I understand that I can't control the outcome of situations. I only know, like I said last night, is to keep hanging onto God...and I do it one day at a time.

Ironically, a flash of HOPE showed up as an Instant Message from my brother. Only those closest to me will understand the enormity of this IM. I have continually prayed for healing within my family. Something that has escaped us from since before I went off to college. The unhealthy ways of "NONcommunication" and "NONunconditional love" have always overtaken my extended family....all the way from my parents back to my grandparents and everyone in between. I could share many examples, but it dawned on me more clearly that I DON'T want to continue this pattern with my own children, when I had a cousin pull the "I'm not ever talking to you again" card, just because I asked to be taken off her "daily email with pics of her kid" distribution list. OH, HOW like my mother's side of the family that was to me! God forbid I bring that into my childrens' life. Mind you, this unhealthy pattern of NONcommunication lives among my father's side as well as my ex-husband's side of family.

But in this flash of HOPE, a simple IM that said HELLO, was key to renewing communication with my only brother. The one that has hurt me the most in my family. Mind you, I have been "disowned" verbally and actionwise from my father/mother on about 7 different occasions. So this time was nothing new. Having my sister that is closest to me in age just ignore my calls was nothing new. She behaved this way when we were roommates after I graduated college and even into her married years. Strange enough to indicate to me there were problems on the inside, that she was trying to keep hidden. However, to have my brother be blatently vocal to me was very hurtful.

I worked diligently within myself to "love unconditionally". But it wasn't without its own set of questions. How can you count on anyone in life, IF your OWN blood relatives can "turn on/turn off" their "love/connection/communication" with you? I was able to realize they "really don't know how". Still didn't make me feel any better, but I tried to "hold on to God, keep plugging along through the struggle, and hoping for HOPE"!

Believe it or not, this point has allowed me to move through some more emotional recognition and hopefully onto the road of emotional healing with the situation at church.

How are things going to turn out...I don't have a clue. Will there be more miscommunication and misunderstandings...of course! We are only human and we tend to jump to conclusions and "assumptions" which you know only makes an ASS + U + ME!! But I am able to end the weekend on a positive note!