Current mood: satisfied
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
So this was the best Christmas I think I have ever had with my boys!
Since 7 years ago...we were on our own having become a single mom just a month before Christmas....that was rough. Then we were all sick in 2001, but we had new friends from church that "brought Christmas to us". In 2002, we had just survived a serious car accident 2 months earlier and I was still wearing a cast on my right wrist/arm, and still out of work on short-term disability. The year 2003, I was sick with pneumonia having just moved apartments in October after finalizing the divorce. Even though I was employed at Christmas, I had been unemployed for 4 1/2 months during the year, so things were really tight financially with all the court costs. In 2004, I was dating someone that added alot to our Christmas, even though it was all long-distance. For once, the boys had extra gifts to be "Santa Presents". After being very ill and in the hospital for 15 days and off of work for 7 weeks, Christmas was not that much fun, even though I was grateful to be alive. Last year was one of the worst years for Christmas, since I lost my job just 10 days prior.
This year, 2007, I am actually HAPPY! I have a great job with a great company. I was able to actually go and buy something for each of my boys! I was actually able to cook a REAL CHRISTMAS Dinner! We had turkey, homemade mashed potatoes, dressing, green bean casserole, rolls, and pecan pie. During the weekend leading up to Christmas Day, the boys and I got to do so many things that I have always wanted to do with them. We went to a movie at the "real" theater (as the boys call it...since its not the dollar movie with ONE show)! We saw "Alvin and the Chipmunks" and had a blast!!! We also got to put together a gingerbread house...something I have always wanted to do ever since I was a girl. On Christmas Eve, we made our traditional cut-out Christmas Cookies and decorated all 70 of them!
In past years, Christmas has always been hard for me emotionally, since we have no family nearby. Its been extremely difficult when the boys are gone. But I realized that even though I am a single mom...the boys and I are "OUR FAMILY"! It is up to me to make our Christmas traditions. So we did! And even though, the boys are now gone for 5 days...I feel the ultimate fulfillment!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Joy Speaks
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life
Yesterday I attended a seminar that was sponsored by my company for all the Administrative Professionals. We get together once a quarter to network. Its a great opportunity catch up with other admin friends and even "officially" meet admins that we work with via email!
Our speaker yesterday was...let's just say "indescribable". Some very good ideas and reminders and some in-your-face moments. Overall, Dr. Kim was right to the point as she was here to encourage and inspire us. (you can visit her website at www.drkimspeaks.com)
For me, so much of what she had to say was repetitive of things I learned in personal therapy. Having lots of thoughts about LIFE and FAMILY already turmoiling in my head, this speaker brought to the surface so many things I wish I could share openly. I have decided to write a chapter from my heart. Maybe I will get to share this with my siblings, then again, maybe not. Only God knows if their hearts are prepared for dealing with harsh reality, and accepting of healing of relationships.
Here are a few things that she said that stayed with me, I will share with you:
1. We teach people how to treat us by what we will accept from them.
2. If there is something wrong and you don't speak up, then you lose your right to complain.
I am sure I will have more to "speak out" about later on.
Category: Life
Yesterday I attended a seminar that was sponsored by my company for all the Administrative Professionals. We get together once a quarter to network. Its a great opportunity catch up with other admin friends and even "officially" meet admins that we work with via email!
Our speaker yesterday was...let's just say "indescribable". Some very good ideas and reminders and some in-your-face moments. Overall, Dr. Kim was right to the point as she was here to encourage and inspire us. (you can visit her website at www.drkimspeaks.com)
For me, so much of what she had to say was repetitive of things I learned in personal therapy. Having lots of thoughts about LIFE and FAMILY already turmoiling in my head, this speaker brought to the surface so many things I wish I could share openly. I have decided to write a chapter from my heart. Maybe I will get to share this with my siblings, then again, maybe not. Only God knows if their hearts are prepared for dealing with harsh reality, and accepting of healing of relationships.
Here are a few things that she said that stayed with me, I will share with you:
1. We teach people how to treat us by what we will accept from them.
2. If there is something wrong and you don't speak up, then you lose your right to complain.
I am sure I will have more to "speak out" about later on.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
A Flash of HOPE
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life
I really wish there was a category listed as "Family", but then so many of us would be blogging in that category alone!
As I was finishing up my blog last evening, I was disappointed with myself that I couldn't end on a "positive note" that I always try to do. Therefore, it was just that...a blog. A blog of emotions. A blog of questions. A blog of tears. A blog of confusion.
However, while I was in tears talking with God, I really was wondering how I would recognize HOPE when it has been so long in my STRUGGLES. I don't even know how to get to the SURRENDER stage...even though I think I have "surrendered" everything I feel/know to this point. I understand I can't control anything in life. I understand that I can't control the outcome of situations. I only know, like I said last night, is to keep hanging onto God...and I do it one day at a time.
Ironically, a flash of HOPE showed up as an Instant Message from my brother. Only those closest to me will understand the enormity of this IM. I have continually prayed for healing within my family. Something that has escaped us from since before I went off to college. The unhealthy ways of "NONcommunication" and "NONunconditional love" have always overtaken my extended family....all the way from my parents back to my grandparents and everyone in between. I could share many examples, but it dawned on me more clearly that I DON'T want to continue this pattern with my own children, when I had a cousin pull the "I'm not ever talking to you again" card, just because I asked to be taken off her "daily email with pics of her kid" distribution list. OH, HOW like my mother's side of the family that was to me! God forbid I bring that into my childrens' life. Mind you, this unhealthy pattern of NONcommunication lives among my father's side as well as my ex-husband's side of family.
But in this flash of HOPE, a simple IM that said HELLO, was key to renewing communication with my only brother. The one that has hurt me the most in my family. Mind you, I have been "disowned" verbally and actionwise from my father/mother on about 7 different occasions. So this time was nothing new. Having my sister that is closest to me in age just ignore my calls was nothing new. She behaved this way when we were roommates after I graduated college and even into her married years. Strange enough to indicate to me there were problems on the inside, that she was trying to keep hidden. However, to have my brother be blatently vocal to me was very hurtful.
I worked diligently within myself to "love unconditionally". But it wasn't without its own set of questions. How can you count on anyone in life, IF your OWN blood relatives can "turn on/turn off" their "love/connection/communication" with you? I was able to realize they "really don't know how". Still didn't make me feel any better, but I tried to "hold on to God, keep plugging along through the struggle, and hoping for HOPE"!
Believe it or not, this point has allowed me to move through some more emotional recognition and hopefully onto the road of emotional healing with the situation at church.
How are things going to turn out...I don't have a clue. Will there be more miscommunication and misunderstandings...of course! We are only human and we tend to jump to conclusions and "assumptions" which you know only makes an ASS + U + ME!! But I am able to end the weekend on a positive note!
Category: Life
I really wish there was a category listed as "Family", but then so many of us would be blogging in that category alone!
As I was finishing up my blog last evening, I was disappointed with myself that I couldn't end on a "positive note" that I always try to do. Therefore, it was just that...a blog. A blog of emotions. A blog of questions. A blog of tears. A blog of confusion.
However, while I was in tears talking with God, I really was wondering how I would recognize HOPE when it has been so long in my STRUGGLES. I don't even know how to get to the SURRENDER stage...even though I think I have "surrendered" everything I feel/know to this point. I understand I can't control anything in life. I understand that I can't control the outcome of situations. I only know, like I said last night, is to keep hanging onto God...and I do it one day at a time.
Ironically, a flash of HOPE showed up as an Instant Message from my brother. Only those closest to me will understand the enormity of this IM. I have continually prayed for healing within my family. Something that has escaped us from since before I went off to college. The unhealthy ways of "NONcommunication" and "NONunconditional love" have always overtaken my extended family....all the way from my parents back to my grandparents and everyone in between. I could share many examples, but it dawned on me more clearly that I DON'T want to continue this pattern with my own children, when I had a cousin pull the "I'm not ever talking to you again" card, just because I asked to be taken off her "daily email with pics of her kid" distribution list. OH, HOW like my mother's side of the family that was to me! God forbid I bring that into my childrens' life. Mind you, this unhealthy pattern of NONcommunication lives among my father's side as well as my ex-husband's side of family.
But in this flash of HOPE, a simple IM that said HELLO, was key to renewing communication with my only brother. The one that has hurt me the most in my family. Mind you, I have been "disowned" verbally and actionwise from my father/mother on about 7 different occasions. So this time was nothing new. Having my sister that is closest to me in age just ignore my calls was nothing new. She behaved this way when we were roommates after I graduated college and even into her married years. Strange enough to indicate to me there were problems on the inside, that she was trying to keep hidden. However, to have my brother be blatently vocal to me was very hurtful.
I worked diligently within myself to "love unconditionally". But it wasn't without its own set of questions. How can you count on anyone in life, IF your OWN blood relatives can "turn on/turn off" their "love/connection/communication" with you? I was able to realize they "really don't know how". Still didn't make me feel any better, but I tried to "hold on to God, keep plugging along through the struggle, and hoping for HOPE"!
Believe it or not, this point has allowed me to move through some more emotional recognition and hopefully onto the road of emotional healing with the situation at church.
How are things going to turn out...I don't have a clue. Will there be more miscommunication and misunderstandings...of course! We are only human and we tend to jump to conclusions and "assumptions" which you know only makes an ASS + U + ME!! But I am able to end the weekend on a positive note!
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Weekend Depression
Hi, My name is Jadee and I suffer from "weekend depression". I didn't realize what this was until I was doing one of those daily quizzes from MySpace. One question asked, "Who was the last person to call you?" and another question asked, "Who was the last person to text message you?". Crazy for me that both answers to those questions actually took place on Wednesday night! No wonder I fall into a depression by the weekend...
To add insult to injury, I got my regular "I really wish you would go to church this weekend" call from my small group leader. Granted, the church has started a new way of conducting the small groups and the discussion questions are based on the week's sermon topic. So, yeah, I am out of the loop when I don't attend.
So we did go to tonight's service. I can't tell you how excited the boys were and my oldest even got dressed up in his suit! I REALLY must make a committment to attend for their sake!
However, it was very hard emotionally for me. It is like salt in a wound. I am still trying to figure out why I still feel such hurt. As I sat there listening and looking out remembering when I used to be so involved at this church. How happy I was back then, despite the tough road it had been before then. How I loved being involved with the prayer team, worship team, and leading the kids music! Only to have it pulled out from underneath me...er, rather the ignorant bliss was gone and reality took its place. It's a sad thing when that innocent trust is destroyed.
Which leads me to some hard questions of my own, that actually coincide with the message today about when life brings the "rogue waves". And what do we do when we Struggle, Surrender, and Hope through these rough times. The pastor said tonight that its in those times that we hold onto God and hold onto those that give us that support. Okay, sounds good in theory. He also said that struggles are a part of life and we must keep trusting in God. I would agree. He said that when you continue to work through the struggle stage and into the surrender stage, then you will find hope.
Let me ask: How do you get that happy innocence back once the trust has been broken? How do you find those to help give you support during your struggles? How do you keep working through the struggles when you run out of energy?
I ask these questions not from my own life's perspective, but rather from a general life's perspective. I know all of us struggle with life's "rogue waves". I know this happened for Job and Jeremiah in the Bible as well. I know that NONE of us are without hardships.
But the summary and take away from this week's sermon is simple...and something I already knew:
LIFE is a 4-letter word.
Take ONE day at a time.
ONLY GOD can be counted on...(people will ALWAYS let you down.)
[I am hoping by getting this off my chest now, that I won't fall apart tomorrow evening at small group when we discuss this topic.]
To add insult to injury, I got my regular "I really wish you would go to church this weekend" call from my small group leader. Granted, the church has started a new way of conducting the small groups and the discussion questions are based on the week's sermon topic. So, yeah, I am out of the loop when I don't attend.
So we did go to tonight's service. I can't tell you how excited the boys were and my oldest even got dressed up in his suit! I REALLY must make a committment to attend for their sake!
However, it was very hard emotionally for me. It is like salt in a wound. I am still trying to figure out why I still feel such hurt. As I sat there listening and looking out remembering when I used to be so involved at this church. How happy I was back then, despite the tough road it had been before then. How I loved being involved with the prayer team, worship team, and leading the kids music! Only to have it pulled out from underneath me...er, rather the ignorant bliss was gone and reality took its place. It's a sad thing when that innocent trust is destroyed.
Which leads me to some hard questions of my own, that actually coincide with the message today about when life brings the "rogue waves". And what do we do when we Struggle, Surrender, and Hope through these rough times. The pastor said tonight that its in those times that we hold onto God and hold onto those that give us that support. Okay, sounds good in theory. He also said that struggles are a part of life and we must keep trusting in God. I would agree. He said that when you continue to work through the struggle stage and into the surrender stage, then you will find hope.
Let me ask: How do you get that happy innocence back once the trust has been broken? How do you find those to help give you support during your struggles? How do you keep working through the struggles when you run out of energy?
I ask these questions not from my own life's perspective, but rather from a general life's perspective. I know all of us struggle with life's "rogue waves". I know this happened for Job and Jeremiah in the Bible as well. I know that NONE of us are without hardships.
But the summary and take away from this week's sermon is simple...and something I already knew:
LIFE is a 4-letter word.
Take ONE day at a time.
ONLY GOD can be counted on...(people will ALWAYS let you down.)
[I am hoping by getting this off my chest now, that I won't fall apart tomorrow evening at small group when we discuss this topic.]
Monday, October 15, 2007
Homecoming
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Friends
Since Gabby already used the blog title of "Friends"...I needed to find a more creative title...but at this hour it escapes me!
It was great to see such dear friends from college that I haven't seen in so long! We spent a wonderful evening laughing and reminiscing! Funny, how we had such impressions of each other that couldn't be further than reality. Why is it that if one wore glasses, they were perceived as "smart"?! (I admit to being the "coulotte queen" LMAO!)
However, it was an emotional weekend for me since my family used to live in Springfield and that is another story for another day. I have found that each trip back to my past and memories in Springfield, that God is doing some healing in my heart. It is difficult to explain, but my closest friends will understand.
Overall, it was a fabulous weekend! I was able to have dinner with a very close friend and pleased to meet her new boyfriend. It was refreshing to have the conversation and fellowship that I have been missing all summer. I had some heart-to-heart time with another close soul. And despite some unfortunate miscommunication with a dear friend, I enjoyed seeing everyone. It was a great reminder that I have some wonderful people in my life, no matter if they live long distance and/or I don't see them for a length of time.
So here is to my FRIENDS...far and near! You will always be loved and dear to my heart!
~Little Friend (my nickname in school...thanks to my AECS friends!)
Category: Friends
Since Gabby already used the blog title of "Friends"...I needed to find a more creative title...but at this hour it escapes me!
It was great to see such dear friends from college that I haven't seen in so long! We spent a wonderful evening laughing and reminiscing! Funny, how we had such impressions of each other that couldn't be further than reality. Why is it that if one wore glasses, they were perceived as "smart"?! (I admit to being the "coulotte queen" LMAO!)
However, it was an emotional weekend for me since my family used to live in Springfield and that is another story for another day. I have found that each trip back to my past and memories in Springfield, that God is doing some healing in my heart. It is difficult to explain, but my closest friends will understand.
Overall, it was a fabulous weekend! I was able to have dinner with a very close friend and pleased to meet her new boyfriend. It was refreshing to have the conversation and fellowship that I have been missing all summer. I had some heart-to-heart time with another close soul. And despite some unfortunate miscommunication with a dear friend, I enjoyed seeing everyone. It was a great reminder that I have some wonderful people in my life, no matter if they live long distance and/or I don't see them for a length of time.
So here is to my FRIENDS...far and near! You will always be loved and dear to my heart!
~Little Friend (my nickname in school...thanks to my AECS friends!)
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