A Flash of HOPE

Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

I really wish there was a category listed as "Family", but then so many of us would be blogging in that category alone!

As I was finishing up my blog last evening, I was disappointed with myself that I couldn't end on a "positive note" that I always try to do. Therefore, it was just that...a blog. A blog of emotions. A blog of questions. A blog of tears. A blog of confusion.

However, while I was in tears talking with God, I really was wondering how I would recognize HOPE when it has been so long in my STRUGGLES. I don't even know how to get to the SURRENDER stage...even though I think I have "surrendered" everything I feel/know to this point. I understand I can't control anything in life. I understand that I can't control the outcome of situations. I only know, like I said last night, is to keep hanging onto God...and I do it one day at a time.

Ironically, a flash of HOPE showed up as an Instant Message from my brother. Only those closest to me will understand the enormity of this IM. I have continually prayed for healing within my family. Something that has escaped us from since before I went off to college. The unhealthy ways of "NONcommunication" and "NONunconditional love" have always overtaken my extended family....all the way from my parents back to my grandparents and everyone in between. I could share many examples, but it dawned on me more clearly that I DON'T want to continue this pattern with my own children, when I had a cousin pull the "I'm not ever talking to you again" card, just because I asked to be taken off her "daily email with pics of her kid" distribution list. OH, HOW like my mother's side of the family that was to me! God forbid I bring that into my childrens' life. Mind you, this unhealthy pattern of NONcommunication lives among my father's side as well as my ex-husband's side of family.

But in this flash of HOPE, a simple IM that said HELLO, was key to renewing communication with my only brother. The one that has hurt me the most in my family. Mind you, I have been "disowned" verbally and actionwise from my father/mother on about 7 different occasions. So this time was nothing new. Having my sister that is closest to me in age just ignore my calls was nothing new. She behaved this way when we were roommates after I graduated college and even into her married years. Strange enough to indicate to me there were problems on the inside, that she was trying to keep hidden. However, to have my brother be blatently vocal to me was very hurtful.

I worked diligently within myself to "love unconditionally". But it wasn't without its own set of questions. How can you count on anyone in life, IF your OWN blood relatives can "turn on/turn off" their "love/connection/communication" with you? I was able to realize they "really don't know how". Still didn't make me feel any better, but I tried to "hold on to God, keep plugging along through the struggle, and hoping for HOPE"!

Believe it or not, this point has allowed me to move through some more emotional recognition and hopefully onto the road of emotional healing with the situation at church.

How are things going to turn out...I don't have a clue. Will there be more miscommunication and misunderstandings...of course! We are only human and we tend to jump to conclusions and "assumptions" which you know only makes an ASS + U + ME!! But I am able to end the weekend on a positive note!

Weekend Depression

Hi, My name is Jadee and I suffer from "weekend depression". I didn't realize what this was until I was doing one of those daily quizzes from MySpace. One question asked, "Who was the last person to call you?" and another question asked, "Who was the last person to text message you?". Crazy for me that both answers to those questions actually took place on Wednesday night! No wonder I fall into a depression by the weekend...

To add insult to injury, I got my regular "I really wish you would go to church this weekend" call from my small group leader. Granted, the church has started a new way of conducting the small groups and the discussion questions are based on the week's sermon topic. So, yeah, I am out of the loop when I don't attend.

So we did go to tonight's service. I can't tell you how excited the boys were and my oldest even got dressed up in his suit! I REALLY must make a committment to attend for their sake!

However, it was very hard emotionally for me. It is like salt in a wound. I am still trying to figure out why I still feel such hurt. As I sat there listening and looking out remembering when I used to be so involved at this church. How happy I was back then, despite the tough road it had been before then. How I loved being involved with the prayer team, worship team, and leading the kids music! Only to have it pulled out from underneath me...er, rather the ignorant bliss was gone and reality took its place. It's a sad thing when that innocent trust is destroyed.

Which leads me to some hard questions of my own, that actually coincide with the message today about when life brings the "rogue waves". And what do we do when we Struggle, Surrender, and Hope through these rough times. The pastor said tonight that its in those times that we hold onto God and hold onto those that give us that support. Okay, sounds good in theory. He also said that struggles are a part of life and we must keep trusting in God. I would agree. He said that when you continue to work through the struggle stage and into the surrender stage, then you will find hope.

Let me ask: How do you get that happy innocence back once the trust has been broken? How do you find those to help give you support during your struggles? How do you keep working through the struggles when you run out of energy?

I ask these questions not from my own life's perspective, but rather from a general life's perspective. I know all of us struggle with life's "rogue waves". I know this happened for Job and Jeremiah in the Bible as well. I know that NONE of us are without hardships.

But the summary and take away from this week's sermon is simple...and something I already knew:

LIFE is a 4-letter word.
Take ONE day at a time.
ONLY GOD can be counted on...(people will ALWAYS let you down.)

[I am hoping by getting this off my chest now, that I won't fall apart tomorrow evening at small group when we discuss this topic.]

Homecoming

Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Friends

Since Gabby already used the blog title of "Friends"...I needed to find a more creative title...but at this hour it escapes me!

It was great to see such dear friends from college that I haven't seen in so long! We spent a wonderful evening laughing and reminiscing! Funny, how we had such impressions of each other that couldn't be further than reality. Why is it that if one wore glasses, they were perceived as "smart"?! (I admit to being the "coulotte queen" LMAO!)

However, it was an emotional weekend for me since my family used to live in Springfield and that is another story for another day. I have found that each trip back to my past and memories in Springfield, that God is doing some healing in my heart. It is difficult to explain, but my closest friends will understand.

Overall, it was a fabulous weekend! I was able to have dinner with a very close friend and pleased to meet her new boyfriend. It was refreshing to have the conversation and fellowship that I have been missing all summer. I had some heart-to-heart time with another close soul. And despite some unfortunate miscommunication with a dear friend, I enjoyed seeing everyone. It was a great reminder that I have some wonderful people in my life, no matter if they live long distance and/or I don't see them for a length of time.

So here is to my FRIENDS...far and near! You will always be loved and dear to my heart!

~Little Friend (my nickname in school...thanks to my AECS friends!)

The view from my life...

Current mood: cynical
Category: Life

Forewarning! I am venting because if I don't, I may stand outside my porch and SCREAM to the world! I will try my best to temper my language, but it is my blog and I am typing exactly what comes to mind!

It's Sunday. No we didn't go to church. I am "budgeting" my gas, so that I can get to work, so that I can work my job, so that I can earn my paycheck, so that I can pay my bills, so that I can continue to take care of my boys. So, No, we didn't go to church. I even called my small group to cancel our attendance today, because they are sharing "hosting responsibilities" among the families with "houses". And today, it happens to be a lot farther away than it usually is located.

Tell me how I am supposed to feel when I call to cancel and get this "sighing, disappointed" response of, "I just worry about you...you need community. I know you aren't going to church anywhere, so how are you getting fed spiritually? And most importantly you need to be around community." Ironically, my boys really wanted to go, so they brought me the $1 bills out of their wallet for me borrow for gas to go to Small group. Now that is adorably sweet! But it is NOT their responsibility. I should be able to handle these things. The worst part is when I called back to say, yes, we would be there this afternoon, I was told, "they were glad...that I was doing the right thing!" Says who?????!!!!

Let me just say now, NO ONE knows what is "right" for me! They don't know what its like to be in my shoes. When I stated that "I have come to acceptance that this is my life and I have to live it", I was told that it can be worse to think like that. WHAT??? What the heck does that mean?

First of all, our society is a "couples"-world. How am I supposed to have "community" in it?! I have tried to live my life right, take the high road, make sacrifices for my children, push myself to keep on going despite the havoc it takes on my health. And I see friends and acquaintances throw that away or place it in jeopardy as if they don't give a care! I hate it! I absolutely abhor the thought of watching people destroy their relationships and families! They have NO IDEA what it is like to be in the same place I am in life.

Second of all, our churches are a "family"-world. How am I supposed to have "community" in it? I have tried to make a place in church for myself and my kids for the last 5 years only to learn the harsh reality that it isn't real. After allowing everyone in my life to lie to me...family, husband, ex-family, church people...I REFUSE to lie to myself to say that "I need community". WHATEVER!!!

Am I supposed to WANT to attend small group, when its a clear slap in the face that I am "not a family with a 'house' to host the small group". That just makes me feel so "loved" and "wanted"! But I am supposed to do the "right" thing and spend my limited gas so that I can attend small group just so I can say I was in "community"? WTF???!!!

Thirdly, it is hard to be single in a world like this. But I do it anyway! It DOES get lonely. But I keep on going. I read the books. I do the right thing. I work on focusing on taking care of my family--my boys! I give my love to them. I try to love myself since I don't have someone to also give love to me. I am sick of hearing people say that this is best for me, that I am not in the place in my life to be having a relationship. Who are they to tell me that?!

I am sick of seeing girls (that once were my friends to hang out with) choose to chase guys and shack up with them...just so they aren't alone! I am NOT going to stoop that low in my life! So I keep going on...alone...just me and my boys. But I am supposed to just want to hang out with people for "community" because they think I should? Not in this lifetime!!!

Fourthly, what about family? Sure, I hear it all the time, "We love you and your boys...we want to be your family." Another crock of shit! When do I get a phone call during the week to say "we are thinking of you". My blood-relatives have made it pretty clear that they don't consider me family.

Plans only seem to happen IF I call and make them. Of course, that brings us back to: 1) the girlfriends I had...don't have time for girlfriends anymore because they are too busy with their "boyfriends" that only make them cry and depressed, 2) the families from church that only have time for their "real family" on weekends. Unfortunately, my boys are getting the raw deal here too...because unless I am the one that calls one of their friends and ask their moms if they can come over to spend time playing with my boys, then it never happens. Frankly, I am just too tired after working all week, taking care of the boys, helping with their homework, and cleaning house, to "watch another two boys at my house, so that my boys have friends over".

So to sum it all up. My only REAL friends are long distance. She is the one that loves me like FAMILY...loves my boys...listens to me...prays with me...cries with me...encourages me...

And I try to do the same for her...but then I feel like I don't have anything to offer her...

Still...without friends locally to get out and do things with...there really is no point in trying to make plans for the weekend, huh? So, why should I worry about "community"?

Yeah, my thoughts exactly!

There's a Bump on a Log...

Current mood: giddy
Category: Life

Don't ask me how it happens, but for some reason as soon as my boys had eaten dinner last night, they were transformed into silly-singing-kids....(much better than the whiny ones they were in the car earlier)!

So they start singing the classic "There's a bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea". I'm still not sure what brought on the giggles but they were cracking each other up! Of course, Mom had splurged on Mountain Dew for dinner and caught the laughing bug too!

While I was trying to "re-learn" the words, I kept getting mixed up and so I threw a new one at them (which I was actually better at singing than the correct version)...I told them to try singing it in backwards order.

"In the bottom of the sea, there's a hole with a log, with a bump on it"

OH MY! You would have thought they were 8 months old again and just learning to laugh. The giggles were infectious.

It was so great to have a moment like that again with my boys!

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