The view from my life...

Current mood: cynical
Category: Life

Forewarning! I am venting because if I don't, I may stand outside my porch and SCREAM to the world! I will try my best to temper my language, but it is my blog and I am typing exactly what comes to mind!

It's Sunday. No we didn't go to church. I am "budgeting" my gas, so that I can get to work, so that I can work my job, so that I can earn my paycheck, so that I can pay my bills, so that I can continue to take care of my boys. So, No, we didn't go to church. I even called my small group to cancel our attendance today, because they are sharing "hosting responsibilities" among the families with "houses". And today, it happens to be a lot farther away than it usually is located.

Tell me how I am supposed to feel when I call to cancel and get this "sighing, disappointed" response of, "I just worry about you...you need community. I know you aren't going to church anywhere, so how are you getting fed spiritually? And most importantly you need to be around community." Ironically, my boys really wanted to go, so they brought me the $1 bills out of their wallet for me borrow for gas to go to Small group. Now that is adorably sweet! But it is NOT their responsibility. I should be able to handle these things. The worst part is when I called back to say, yes, we would be there this afternoon, I was told, "they were glad...that I was doing the right thing!" Says who?????!!!!

Let me just say now, NO ONE knows what is "right" for me! They don't know what its like to be in my shoes. When I stated that "I have come to acceptance that this is my life and I have to live it", I was told that it can be worse to think like that. WHAT??? What the heck does that mean?

First of all, our society is a "couples"-world. How am I supposed to have "community" in it?! I have tried to live my life right, take the high road, make sacrifices for my children, push myself to keep on going despite the havoc it takes on my health. And I see friends and acquaintances throw that away or place it in jeopardy as if they don't give a care! I hate it! I absolutely abhor the thought of watching people destroy their relationships and families! They have NO IDEA what it is like to be in the same place I am in life.

Second of all, our churches are a "family"-world. How am I supposed to have "community" in it? I have tried to make a place in church for myself and my kids for the last 5 years only to learn the harsh reality that it isn't real. After allowing everyone in my life to lie to me...family, husband, ex-family, church people...I REFUSE to lie to myself to say that "I need community". WHATEVER!!!

Am I supposed to WANT to attend small group, when its a clear slap in the face that I am "not a family with a 'house' to host the small group". That just makes me feel so "loved" and "wanted"! But I am supposed to do the "right" thing and spend my limited gas so that I can attend small group just so I can say I was in "community"? WTF???!!!

Thirdly, it is hard to be single in a world like this. But I do it anyway! It DOES get lonely. But I keep on going. I read the books. I do the right thing. I work on focusing on taking care of my family--my boys! I give my love to them. I try to love myself since I don't have someone to also give love to me. I am sick of hearing people say that this is best for me, that I am not in the place in my life to be having a relationship. Who are they to tell me that?!

I am sick of seeing girls (that once were my friends to hang out with) choose to chase guys and shack up with them...just so they aren't alone! I am NOT going to stoop that low in my life! So I keep going on...alone...just me and my boys. But I am supposed to just want to hang out with people for "community" because they think I should? Not in this lifetime!!!

Fourthly, what about family? Sure, I hear it all the time, "We love you and your boys...we want to be your family." Another crock of shit! When do I get a phone call during the week to say "we are thinking of you". My blood-relatives have made it pretty clear that they don't consider me family.

Plans only seem to happen IF I call and make them. Of course, that brings us back to: 1) the girlfriends I had...don't have time for girlfriends anymore because they are too busy with their "boyfriends" that only make them cry and depressed, 2) the families from church that only have time for their "real family" on weekends. Unfortunately, my boys are getting the raw deal here too...because unless I am the one that calls one of their friends and ask their moms if they can come over to spend time playing with my boys, then it never happens. Frankly, I am just too tired after working all week, taking care of the boys, helping with their homework, and cleaning house, to "watch another two boys at my house, so that my boys have friends over".

So to sum it all up. My only REAL friends are long distance. She is the one that loves me like FAMILY...loves my boys...listens to me...prays with me...cries with me...encourages me...

And I try to do the same for her...but then I feel like I don't have anything to offer her...

Still...without friends locally to get out and do things with...there really is no point in trying to make plans for the weekend, huh? So, why should I worry about "community"?

Yeah, my thoughts exactly!

There's a Bump on a Log...

Current mood: giddy
Category: Life

Don't ask me how it happens, but for some reason as soon as my boys had eaten dinner last night, they were transformed into silly-singing-kids....(much better than the whiny ones they were in the car earlier)!

So they start singing the classic "There's a bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea". I'm still not sure what brought on the giggles but they were cracking each other up! Of course, Mom had splurged on Mountain Dew for dinner and caught the laughing bug too!

While I was trying to "re-learn" the words, I kept getting mixed up and so I threw a new one at them (which I was actually better at singing than the correct version)...I told them to try singing it in backwards order.

"In the bottom of the sea, there's a hole with a log, with a bump on it"

OH MY! You would have thought they were 8 months old again and just learning to laugh. The giggles were infectious.

It was so great to have a moment like that again with my boys!

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Check out this link: http://www.lyricsdownload.com/various-artists-there-s-a-hole-in-the-bottom-of-the-sea-lyrics.html

The Blogging Bug has bitten!!!

I have been accumulating several ideas for blog topics in my head over the last few weeks. So here are a few topics that you may see published in the near future:

• Holiday Heartache *Editors note: article missed submission deadline :(

• Rules of the Road; What is Driver's Ed?

• Wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round = Back to the Routine

• Drama Drama Drama: Dangerous Drivers

• I Can See Clearly Now...with Excel Spreadsheets!

World Premiere

Current mood: bouncy
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

So this was the day...the day ALL the school kids were counting down...the world premiere of High School Musical 2!

Yes, we got on the bandwagon with the original High School Musical DVD and my oldest kept telling me there was going to be a second movie. Thankfully, we became Dishnetwork customers JUST IN TIME to be one of the thousands of viewers tonight!

I actually was very impressed with the choreography. It was a good display visual effects, colors, and rhythm. I had mentioned to a coworker today that I was comparing it to the "Footloose" of our day. However, after watching the second one tonight....I think I would compare it to the "Dirty Dancing" storyline.

Either way, I love good music and dancing, and still wish I could have done more in my younger days! (oh and did I mention that I own both Footloose and Dirty Dancing...lol)

Here's to HSM2!!! :)

Currently listening : High School Musical 2
By Original Soundtrack
Release date: 14 August, 2007

SUMMERTIME: Great Friends and Sweet Tea!

For the last several years, it has become a tradition for us to spend the weekend before school starts with T, Dash, N and C-man. So as this summer has wound down (seems like it had barely begun) we took a road trip to Indiana to spend some wonderful, fun, and relaxing time with them.

Despite the heat, we made a wonderful dinner Friday night and I think the kids were filled enough to last until morning. During the rest of the weekend, we kept them filled with the traditional summertime treats of fresh watermelon and cantaloupe, as well as freezer pops and lemonade.

As we were pulling onto the country highway, N noticed an A&W sign, so I just HAD to stop and get a gallon of fountain rootbeer! (we don't have A&W in the St. Louis area) Besides a yummy afternoon rootbeer float, the best was sitting and chatting with my best friend over glasses of iced tea...there is nothing SWEETER! :)

Love you all! Look forward to doing it again next year!