Enough Already

When is enough, enough?

This post is not about my struggles of a failed marriage or a devastating divorce, rather, it is about the struggles of single parenting WHILE ATTEMPTING to "co-parent".

It is going on 10 years this year since I became a single mom. My journey began with an "almost 3-yr old" and an "almost 2-yr old". I went from being a stay-at-home mom to looking for full-time employment. My children were forced into a daycare situation where they have spent the last 10 years of their life, before and after school.

During this most recent time of unemployment, I have embraced the opportunity to cook at home for my children (it's great that I'm not exhausted as when I would get home from work), to have family meals together, to have family devotional time together as well as play table games with them after dinner. Yes, it may keep "stuff" on my dining table, but it is the bonding/family connection that is worth more by keeping the games in easy reach. We are growing closer as a family unit and the boys' are happier and more open than they have ever been.

What prompted my blogging tonight was a meeting I had today with the boys' counselor. She of course, had met with their dad last week...which meant she got "his version" first. Apparently, he must have really let loose on "issues" about me. Since she said she is just the messenger and change agent to help us find a way to work in the boys' best interests as co-parents. I responded like I always do, I kept a pleasant voice and focused on the positive of what I am doing for the boys and that I don't keep the boys from him for visits, etc. I have ALWAYS done this. I don't talk degrading about him to the boys...nor to any of our mutual friends (even any of those college friends on Facebook that may even happen to read this blog). Only my closest girlfriends, that I can cry on their shoulder...know the dirty details. It has NOT been easy, but I ALWAYS take the high road when dealing with their father. I have always followed the custody paperwork and been flexible when he needs to cancel or change a visit and even on the rare occasion he asks for more time with them.

Unfortunately, as the boys have gotten older, they have become more vocal about not wanting to go to his house. They are 12 and 11 now, and their interests have changed from being in the house all weekend watching Veggie Tales. Also, they are old enough to see differences in the way I run my household vs. the way he runs his household. I have always told my boys that they have to do what he says when they are at his house, just like they have to do what I say at my house. I am glad they are becoming more open about how they feel and what they are going through...at my house and at his house.

However, today I was told that some of his issues with me is me taking away his time with the boys. I said I didn't understand that statement. She went on to say his issue is that the boys seem to be more connected with me even when they are at his house. The counselor says that she has to tell me hard truth about being more agreeable with him because the boys are feeling the tension. Again, I am confused. I am to be penalized because I am creating a connected family with the boys and me? Isn't that what a good parent does? But I am the one who is supposed "become more agreeable"? I am irritated because NO ONE wants to ever stand up to him and tell him what he should change about parenting/co-parenting and that he should become more agreeable with me. I find it ironic that it is always me who is targeted to change. Yet the teachers always call me for any school issues because they know I am a parent that will be involved with my boys' lives. They also know from talking to him that he doesn't budge for anyone. When it comes to counselors they think to "resolve the issues" that they will "talk mom into changing her ways"...then they feel they accomplished their project with my boys...and all ends well.

So I left today thinking, wow, what am I doing wrong and what do I need to change to get along better with their dad so they don't feel caught in the middle? What is it that I haven't already been doing to try to accomplish that goal?

Then I had a second thought.

Nothing! There isn't anything that I haven't done/am doing to help achieve that goal. I have bent over backwards for him, carried the boys' expenses that custody papers say are his financial responsibility, read every parenting book on the market, went through individual counseling and I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that I am doing a good job as a parent. I am there for my boys and make every effort for them to know it is safe to talk to me about what they are going through. There is nothing I need to be doing to be "more agreeable" with him. I am not going to bow down to his ways any longer. When he makes an effort to improve his own parenting/co-parenting, then we can talk about finding some middle ground. At the moment, the efforts to bettering our parent skills are very one-sided. So of course, there is going to be tension when we aren't on the same page. But why is it my views/efforts that are required to change to match his...that seem to be non-existent?

When is enough, enough?

When do I get to be seen as the parent that provides for them emotionally, spiritually and financially with food and clothes? They grow overnight and I am constantly buying clothes that he keeps when they come to visit him. His child support is not even enough to cover the food they eat per month...they are growing boys. And that is not even a constant payment, so I can't bank on it. I am unemployed right now and STILL PROVIDING for my children. When I was so sick that I nearly died, I found a way to keep providing for my children. I had help from friends, but no help from him. When I had a car accident and broken wrist and out of work for three months to heal, I kept taking care of my children alone. When is anyone going to be strong enough to stand up and say that I am the responsible parent?

Am I really supposed to spend the next 10 years, breaking my back from bending over to make sure that we never disagree?

I say....enough already!!